


An Unexpected Swim

by FOSHIZZLEPIE



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gay Sex, Kíli/Tauriel Fluff, M/M, Mermaids, Modern AU, Multi, Naughty language, Pirates, Sea Battle, Smaug the Malevolent Sea Lion - Freeform, aw smaug, deep sea scaries, gender bent gandalf, insunuated rape, only crack because crack, realize they're both stupid, will they won't they
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-04-29 13:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5129993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FOSHIZZLEPIE/pseuds/FOSHIZZLEPIE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU where dwarves are now saucy Merdwarves and Hobbits live in beach houses. Lot's of gold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Yes, Quietly

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I didn't know this would be so hilariously silly. Fun fun underwater fic where napkins drop and forks drop and books don't disintegrate even though they're under the ocean. It's honestly amazing what magic happens. That is why it's crack folks. I don't know where this is headed but I'm sure something delightful will take place.

“Ohhhh,” Bilbo moaned.

“You like that?” Thorin’s mouth brushed Bilbo’s ear.

Thorin had his hands on Bilbo’s small waist. “You know how much I love your cousins paintings,” Bilbo murmured, staring at the newly hung oil landscape. 

Bilbo barely even noticed Thorin’s hands encircle his waist. He was far too in love with the majestic eagles flying over a sea of pink and gold clouds. “It reminds me of that time,” Thorin whispered. The candle light filled room flickered with a night breeze from Bilbo’s seaside window.

Bilbo turned abruptly. “Don’t talk about it.... you could have died.” His eyes had lost the glow of wonderment and were replaced with misty sorrow.

“Not that time,” Thorin said leaning closer to Bilbo’s petal pink lips. “The time after that… when the celebrating began.” Thorin brushed his lips against Bilbo’s and Bilbo’s eyes shot up in remembrance of that steamy night. That night all the disguised flirting and leading on had exploded into brilliant, but awkward, life.

“I plundered a little more than treasure that night,” Thorin said. 

He abruptly pulled away and Bilbo’s hands trailed after the fur of Thorin’s night robes. White with gold trim of course. Bilbo himself only wore his patchwork robe and a nightshirt beneath. He wondered how quickly Thorin would get it off this time. They were in Bilbo’s beach house once again.

Thorin continued to back up towards the plush fur covered bed and slowly undid the top button of his nightshirt as he went. He knew what his dwarven chest hair did to his hobbits knees. “I only come to your house once a week little Hobbit. I give you a present, it’s only polite to return the favor.”

“I only wish you’d invite me to your home once, Thorin,” Bilbo replied, stuffily.

“I grew these pretty legs just for you,” Thorin smirked. “It’s harder for a hobbit to conjure a mermaid tail and gills. But maybe I could find a way…”

Bilbo rushed at Thorin, knocking him backwards onto the bed, and landed with his arms and legs on either side of him. Thorin looked as if he was going to protest so Bilbo shut him up with a kiss. And then another. Until Thorin’s hands were fumbling for the ties to Bilbo’s robes.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk,” Bilbo said, leaning out of reach of Thorin’s hungry mouth. He stilled his wide hands with his own, dirt hardened ones. “I am not going to let you convince me. I’m not going to fall for anymore dwarven tricks. You will take me to Erebor Under the Sea. Even if I have to become a mermaid myself. I’ve only met Kili and Fili and they almost died!”

Thorin rolled his eyes and his hunger for the hobbit lessened. “It was barely a scratch and Fili didn’t even fall that far.” His hands twisted for the ties to Bilbo’s robe again.

Bilbo scrunched up his face at Thorin and stilled his hands. “I’ll only give you one more chance, before I do the thing.” 

“Not that!” Thorin’s deep voice rose in excitement. “That’s completely unfair.”

“Fine I’ll do it!” Bilbo said. 

He crawled off of Thorin fending off Thorin’s hands as he did so. “Please no, Bilbo.” Bilbo turned and smiled at Thorin before disappearing into his bathroom. “Fine!” Thorin yelled. “I can withstand it, I am King under the Sea! I am not made of such soft-”

“Can you?” Bilbo said stepping out from behind the door.

It was like fire, in the shade of ice had filled the room as Bilbo appeared in nothing but a mythril shirt. The pleasant glow of the candle’s revealed just enough that Thorin’s little dwarf was set tingling. “Master Burglar…”

Bilbo stood with his legs apart and his shoulder’s hunched in that obstinate hobbit way. “You won’t be having any of this, until I get a taste of that.” He gestured to the open window and the silver shirt rose up a bit. 

“Bilbo,” Thorin rose from the bed, tall as any man but wider and filled with the hardness of a warrior. “I will not have you waltzing around in such a prized item. It was a gift for battle and this is hardly a battle.”

“Isn’t it though,” Bilbo shot back. 

“Little hobbit.,” Thorin began.

Bilbo took that moment to saunter the few steps to Thorin and look through his lashes into Thorin’s dark gaze. “You know you want me.”

Thorin couldn’t stop his hands as the reached out and slid from Bilbo’s shoulders to his elbows. The mythril was cool but he was beginning to feel a rise of heat from his stronghold to his neck. Bilbo’s hands snaked out, one on his hairy forearm and the other on the exposed chest where he’d undone his top button. That hand slid from the top button down, down, down, lingering on each button as he went until his fingers rested on the plush white tie to Thorin’s robes. They were soft as bunnies and easily slipped open with a tug of Bilbo’s nimble fingers.

“Bilbo,” Thorin warned.

“I’ll only go on if you ask,” Bilbo answered quietly.

Thorin’s grip tightened on Bilbo’s arms in limbo between yes and no. Finally Thorin pushed away and walked around the bed.

“Really?” Bilbo said in annoyance, and disappointment.

“Really, Master Burglar,” Thorin said, revealing Bilbo’s blue bottle of personal lubricant.

Ping. Even mithril shirts couldn’t resist an erection. Bilbo leapt at Thorin, agile as a warg. The time for foreplay was over. Thorin caught him in his arms like a mama koala catching her baby. Delicate but with practice. Bilbo let Thorin lower him to the bed but had soon flip the sish so Thorin was on his back with his calves dangling over the edge of the bed and Bilbo had managed his way in between the King Under the Sea’s stone hard thighs. 

Usually Bilbo was shy about this particular thing but today was an accomplishment. They’d been together for over a year now anyway so what the hell! Bilbo slid his hands up Thorin’s hairy thighs and pushed his robes away to reveal something Bilbo had only realized his desire for when he had met Thorin. Before then he’d been in some sort of weird sexual limbo. It was sprung and hard as a rock by the time Bilbo’s fingers circled around Thorin’s dwarven birthright. Only a king was this magnificent, he was sure.

“Ah,” Thorin said. Thorin pulled his arms out of his robes and began fumbling the rest of his nightshirt buttons open.

Bilbo scooted forward on his knees and smiled in glee as Thorin’s legs trembled with the coolness of the silver metal. He truly couldn’t resist precious things. Gold most of all but that was only for extra special occasions. Bilbo’s mouth found Thorin’s inner thigh and he began to trail his lips up, tickling the delicate hair. 

Thorin’s legs circled around Bilbo’s back and he pulled Bilbo closer, easily scooting him across the wood flooring. And then suddenly Bilbo’s mouth was around it! Thorin surprised Bilbo with a small jerk of his hips and Bilbo was afraid he’d taken more than he could handle.

“Unggg,” Was all Thorin could manage.

Bilbo recovered quickly and focused keeping the pressure. This was their special time. Time when words didn’t matter and they could feel just how much the other cared. His mouth moved to an unknown rhythm. Bilbo knew it was right though. That was how the first time had even begun. Bilbo had known then too and so had Thorin. 

Bilbo pulled back, trailing Thorin’s pre-pearls of excitement on his his lips. Thorin pulled Bilbo onto the bed by his hands crawled on top of him kissing with intent, his oaken staff hanging free of clothes over Bilbo’s mithril shirt. Like the animal he was, Thorin gripped the hem with his teeth and began pulling up the restraining gem, his beard making happy trails over Bilbo’s wanting form. Bilbo’s hands were all over. He had never quite understood how a merdwarf could be built so solid and he figured he might learn the secret if only he touched every part, every morsel of dwarven meat.

 

“Stop wriggling hobbit,” Thorin snapped as he released Bilbo from the metal. 

He tossed the mithril on the fur rug and reached for Bilbo’s acorns. Bilbo squeaked in laughter as he realized what Thorin was going to do.Thorin was a professional staff wrangler and he took no shortcuts with Bilbo’s wrangling. A squirt from the blue bottle set things a slipping in the right direction and Bilbo just lay there with his arms spread, enjoying Thorin’s most classic moves. 

Thorin suddenly stopped and rolled onto his back, pulling Bilbo on top of him. “Treat me hobbit. It’s going to take a lot of work to get a tail for you”

Bilbo didn’t take more than a second before getting more of the blue and spreading it. He was done with teasing. He shoved Thorin’s legs apart and gripping him by the hips, used his hobbit strength to yank him right where he needed to be. Thorin reached up to guide his hips towards him but in one swift movement Bilbo had his hands pressed into the furs above his head and was base deep.

“Shit Bilbo I said treat me, not abuse me.” It was a tease, Bilbo knew.

“Tea is at four, and you’ll still be sore. I guarantee it,” Bilbo growled.

He pulled out slowly. Then slowly pushed back in. Then it was all cards on the table as Bilbo finally lost his own self control and gave it to his King, fast and hard. They rose and rose until Bilbo was sure he’d tip over and spill his green beans everywhere. Thorin pushed him off before he could though and dragged Bilbo to the end of the bed before he got behind his hobbit prince and grasped his hips. 

He let Bilbo gasp on his hands and knees in anticipation and just as his breaths were becoming even Thorin tossed back his silver streaked locks letting the waves settle on his sweat slicked back before sidling up and easing his way into the secret door, as he liked to call it. 

“Damn you Thorin,” Bilbo moaned. 

Thorin had the perfect view of Bilbo’s pale back and smiled in pleasure as his little hobbit arched, bringing his golden curls closure to Thorin’s heaving chest. Thorin laid himself along Bilbo’s curves and they became one as the animal consumed. Bilbo was like a sickness of his own, worse than gold, Thorin craved his pleasure the most. Nothing made him more drunk with lust than seeing Bilbo’s tell tale body language that only Thorin had managed to reveal. It was his special conquer that no one else had, or would ever have.

They were reaching the end and they both knew it. Bilbo turned over quickly so he could see his lover's face as they reached the coveted precipice that only they could share. Thorin’s hips thrust in and out, and Bilbo’s hand reached down to his own throbbing cock. He played it in synchronized glory with Thorin’s song and began bucking his hips in mindless bliss. Thorin pushed in hard, one last time and was silent as his hips twitched in ecstasy. Bilbo followed directly after and his diamond like seed mingled with Thorin's sweat.

It was over. They lay like that for a while until they found the strength to crawl under the covers. The candles burned down to nubs as the night lengthened and Bilbo fell asleep atop Thorin’s chest with a promise in his heart and hope in his arms.


	2. Beached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo visits Drogo and Primula, Frodo's parents. Mystery ensues. Thorin comes up with a plan to get Bilbo to the Under the Sea kingdom of Erebor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the less raunchy installment of An Unexpected Swim.

Bilbo liked comfortable things. He was a hobbit and that’s how hobbit’s were. All the hobbit’s who lived on Myrtle and Minty Beach kept their patio’s swept and their curtain fresh. It was a pleasant area for seashell collecting and and sunset strolls. The Baggins’s had lived quietly for sometime and Bilbo was fond of every welcome mat and every flower garden. 

He was off to see his favorite cousin’s Drogo and Primula, and their most cherished son, Frodo. The little lad was just getting to stumbling around on his oversized, even for a hobbit, feet and Bilbo quite enjoyed watching the little tyke stumble from flower to flower in the beachside garden. Bilbo chuckled and blew out a handsome smoke ring from his pipe. Someday he might even teach little Frodo how to make smoke rings. 

After Thorin and Bilbo’s steamy exchange last night Bilbo had assumed Thorin would stay another night but he’d rushed off as usual back to the mer kingdom of Erebor. Bilbo could only hope he would stay true to his word and find a way for Bilbo to visit the crystalline depths. Bilbo wished to know more about his furry lover and longed to see the shining halls of Thorin’s people.

Even after a year of undisguised love Bilbo still felt he knew only so much of the merdwarven king. He’d helped him reclaim his fishing vessel from the pirate Azog and his gang of scalliwags so long ago. It had been quite the unexpected thing for a hobbit who like expected things. But he had met many great merdwarves. Fili, Kili, Bifer, Bofur, Bombur, Nori, Ori, Dori, Oin, Gloin, Dwalin, Balin, and of course the leader of the company, Thorin Oakenshield. He longed for more adventures. Which was a very un-hobbit thing to long for. Only Drogo and Primula didn’t mind his adventure experience. All the other hobbits had given him the old stink eye when he’d come around the thursday night Farmer’s Market in the middle of the hobbit town. He knocked twice on the large circular door of their seaside home before twisting the knob and peering inside. 

“Be Ba!” Frodo cried, seeing him from the kitchen.

Frodo rushed at him, picking up speed with happiness, and right in front of Bilbo his little toes fumbled and he tripped, splaying out on the wooden floor. Bilbo scooped him up before he had a chance to cry and tickled his sides. “You must be more careful Frodo. Floors have a tricky way of sneaky up on our toes. You mustn’t let them trip you.”

“Be Ba!” Was all Frodo could say, nustling his head into Bilbo’s monday, yellow and eggshell, striped shirt.

Frodo tugged and pulled at his suspenders, giggling madly as Primula rounded the corner of the hallway carrying a heaping basket of laundry. “Mister Baggins!” Primula set the basket on the floor and enveloped Bilbo in her motherly embrace making a Frodo Sandwich. She was still young and dark of hair, her skin like milk in the morning sun. Bilbo had always admired his cousins choice in bewed. She had passed on quite the collection of curls to little Frodo.

“Bilbo!” Came Drogo’s deep voice. “Come back to the parlor! I’ve found a new map!”

“Ooo, another one?” Bilbo murmured. 

He didn’t notice Primula’s smirk as she detached Frodo from Bilbo’s neck and plopped the little squish bean in the laundry basket. “Go on,” Primula said. “It’s a good one.”

Bilbo gave his cous a smile and hurried into the house to find Drogo sitting in his favorite armchair with a neat stack of papers at his feet and a weathered sheaf of parchment in his suntanned hands. His hair was also dark, like his eyebrows, but not like the ebony of Primula’s or the black marble or Thorin’s.

“Where’s this one lead?” Bilbo asked. He sat on a maroon pouf next to Drogo and leaned over to get a better look at the map. The crackling fireplace and the two lamps cast a mysteriousness on the yellowed page. “That looks like the old Misty Caves. Although what’s this?” Bilbo’s finger pointed to a large circle depicted under the caves. 

“According to my translation, it’s some sort of underground pool, or lake,” Drogo replied. “Want to bring out the old Took side we know and love and take a walk down there?”

Bilbo humphed and sat back on his pouf. “I really shouldn’t be encouraging this sort of thing. This isn’t what hobbit’s do.”

“Be Ba!” Frodo came careening out of the laundry room into the parlor, and practically sailed into Bilbo’s lap. “I wan see scaaawwwyyy caves.”

Bilbo raised his eybrows at Drogo and Drogo couldn’t seem to meet his gaze. “I told him. You know those caves are safe. They’ve been throughly mapped and theirs walking paths throughout.”

“What about his knew lake thing-a-ma-thing then?” Bilbo said, as his eyebrows raised higher.

“Oh come on,” Primula said, sweeping into the room in her freshly donned blue summer dress. “Frodo is old enough now. He’s a good listener, and he’s bound to have fine adventures some day. Whether we like it or not.”

Bilbo tried to think of reason not to. He nearly brought up the fact that he hadn’t had second breakfast yet. But alas, adventure and curiosity had latched onto him like a barnacle encrusted anchor and he wasn’t ready to let go yet. But still… “Not today young cous. I would like to come but I have business today. This is an all day trip in need of planning”

Drogo sighed and rested the hand holding the map on his tweed covered thigh. “When then, Bilbo?” 

“A week from now, I would say,” Bilbo said. He latched his forefingers in his vest pockets and nodded. “I’m meant to take a short trip soon to visit Thorin’s family.”

Primula rushed to his side and fell to the ground. “He’s finally going to introduce you to his family? After all this time.” 

She was breathless with excitement. Bilbo found it strange how interested she was but Thorin had become quite the piece of gossip. Every time Bilbo and Thorin went for walks on Myrtle and Minty Beach they were stopped and questioned about this and that. No one had yet to find out that the magnificent Thorin was a merdwarf. Hobbits rarely spoke of the merdwarves and liked to pretend they didn’t exist. Bilbo chuckled. If only they knew.

“Yes, Primula,” Bilbo replied. “He has to work up his courage about these sort of things.”

“I bet that took a lot of convincing,” Primula replied. She pulled Frodo from Bilbo’s lap and tickled him under the chin.

Bilbo smiled and quirked his head. “Why yes, yes it did.” 

Bilbo stayed for two cups of piping hot tea before bidding his extended family farewell and heading towards the planned meeting spot, on the beach, Thorin had organized with him in the wee hours before he had left. He would never tire of good company, not of Drogo and Primula, nor of the rambunctious Frodo and the, ahem, raucous Thorin.

“Bilbo!” 

Thorin was standing by the, no fishing, sign just out of reach of the waves. He strode up to Bilbo, welcoming him in a warm hug. Bilbo hugged back and couldn’t help giving Thorin a once over. The leg wearing merdwarf had on knee high red and white striped swim trunks, a green band t-shirt of the band Arken and the Stones, jandals, and a pair of aviators. He was majestic. It was mostly do to the flowing locks of silvered black that hung with occasional braids to tame them. Bilbo still just wore his mustard yellow shorts, held by his suspenders, and his yellow and eggshell striped button up shirt. Hobbit’s never wore shoes and he relished the cool sand between his toes.

Thorin brushed his thumb across Bilbo’s chin and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Last night was delightful,” Thorin murmured.

Bilbo gave Thorin’s bare forearm a squeeze before saying, “So how am I going to get my fins?”

“Always persistent,” Thorin grumbled. “He should be here soon.”

“Here? He? Who?” Bilbo asked. He was looking up at Thorin with clear blue, curious, eyes. 

A sudden push of sand beneath Bilbo feet sent hims squeaking towards Thorin who caught him with a laugh in his strong arms. Bilbo turned just in time to watch a curious creature the size of a child push its way out of the sand, crawling onto the beach. This is what Bilbo saw. A girl around the age of ten had just crawled from the sand. She had dirty blond hair, wore a grey robe and a matching pointed hat. The strangest thing was the fake grey beard attached to her round face. And she noticed him looking.

“It itches twice as much as the sand,” She said.

“Ahem,” Thorin cleared his throat. “Bilbo, meet Gandalf the Grey, The Wandering Wizard.”

Bilbo looked at Gandalf then away, then back at Gandalf. “Nice to make your acquaintance.”

Gandalf giggled. She poked Bilbo directly in the stomach and said, “I’m here to give you a tail.”

Bilbo looked up at Thorin and Thorin said, “It’s true. I spent a long time tracking down this particular wizard. He can help us get you mer.”

Bilbo didn’t know what to say. Out of all the things to expect this hadn’t been on his list. He shook Gandalf’s hand and tried not to think of her as a she. If Thorin was calling her a him it must be important. Although his feminine, and clearly childlike features, were seriously taking a toll on Bilbo’s mental functionality.

“Well I can’t do it for a little while, the times got to be right. So we might as well play!” Gandalf ran off into the water waving his arms wildly. He hitched up his grey robes revealing pale legs and shoeless feet. What was this creature, Bilbo wondered.

Thorin draped his arm around Bilbo’s shoulder and whispered in his ear, “Did you not bring swim trunks my dear Bilbo?”

Bilbo could feel his ears get pink and he pushed Thorin away. “I didn’t think swim trunks would make a difference if I had a fish tail.”

Thorin’s eye twinkled with deviousness. Then he snatched up Bilbo throwing over his shoulder. Bilbo squeaked and started struggling as Thorin waded out into the sea. Gandalf was hunched over chasing the seagulls as fast as he could with his arms stretched behind him and his pointed hat leading the way. He was like a bullet as he raced through the crowds of seagulls. 

“Out of my way sea ducks!” Gandalf cried. “I’m on a mission! A mission!”

Thorin set Bilbo down slowly in the cold water. He didn’t remove his hands from Bilbo’s waist. “I like this.”

“I like this too,” Bilbo replied.

Then Gandalf began screaming at the seagulls so ferociously that both Thorin and Bilbo had to look.

“Back you wargs!” Gandalf screamed. He had picked up a long driftwood stick and was waving wildly at the seagull. “This land will not have you vile creatures within it!” Then he seemed to notice Thorin and Bilbo staring at him. “Kidding!”

“Gandalf is literally insane,” Bilbo muttered.

“Yeah, probably,” Thorin agreed.

“Come here!” Gandalf called, suddenly the sweet young boy? Girl? again.

Thorin and Bilbo made their way back to the beach. “Sit,” Gandalf instructed. The sat. “Now I’m going to make you into pretty pretties.” 

They didn’t dare protest as Gandalf began scuttling round their legs covering them in sand. In fact they both just laid back and shut their eyes. Bilbo’s hand found Thorin’s and he tried not to be too concerned about the little goblin named Gandalf packing sand on his legs. The sun was warm but clouds had rolled in shading them from direct rays. It was the perfect temperature to hold hands. Neither Bilbo or Thorin felt the discomfort of seat as they lay their getting ‘designed’ by Gandalf. Bilbo only hoped he wasn’t turning them into anything obscene. Like giant turds or something.

“There,” Gandalf said, with a satisfied nod.

Bilbo opened his eyes and looked down at himself. Both Thorin and he had been crafted marvelous giant sand fish tails. Bilbo gasped in wonder at the artisticness of Gandalf’s creations. “Thank you, Gandalf.”

“I’ve always loved your sandwork,” Thorin said. “Even as a young merdwarf in the shining halls of Erebor.”

Bilbo ran his fingers across the scale pattern and felt as if he had been given something special, something amazing.

“Stand up,” Gandalf said. “You must be off now. It only lasts seventy two hours.” Gandalf handed him a bottle full of sand and another full of amber liquid. 

“What do you mean?” Bilbo asked.

He tried to stand but his body felt heavy under the sand. Maybe if he put more force into it he’d be able to break free. With one great wriggle Bilbo burst from the sand and screamed as he realized his legs were gone. A coffee colored fishtail squirmed in their place.  
“HE’S BEACHED!” Gandalf shouted. The young boy grabbed Bilbo by the wrist and with amazing strength flung him thirty feet into the ocean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had so much fun writing about Gandalf! He's a fave fo sho.


	3. Clamshells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili does naughty naughty in naughty way. Much embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehe. Oops.

Kili had snuck up behind Tauriel and was just about to scare her when she whipped around and caught him by the wrists. Her green fishy tail caught the bubble light in the hallway.

“I’m glad you came to visit,” Kili said, with a slow wink.

Tauriel glared at him. “I’ve only come to tell you we can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Kili asked. He slowly swam backward, flicking his tail, and leading them into the secluded doorway of his room.

Tauriel let go of his wrists. “This is the third time Kili,” Tauriel began. “We can’t keep doing you know what. Especially like this.”

“Like what?” Kili asked. He had begun to pout and hoped Tauriel would take pity on him. He could already feel his naughty naughty stirring.

“Like in secret,” Tauriel whispered ferociously. “Like it’s something bad.”

“Well isn’t it?” Kili asked genuinely. “It’s not like an elf from the Hart Woot and a merdwarf from Erebor should be getting it on.”

“I wish I’d never gone to boarding school,” Tauriel grumbled.

“But then you would never have met me!” KIli said. “And we’d never have, you know…” Kili made a thrusting motion with his blue fishy hips. 

“Exactly!” Tauriel said, throwing her arms up in exasperation. Her long red hair swirled with the force and Kili felt an urge to calm it with his hands.

“You came here so I would stop you from stopping this,” Kili said. He inched closer to Tauriel and she put a resilient hand on his bare chest. He was just getting the tufts of dwarven chest hair that his older brother already had. Soon he’d graduate high school and be a real merdwarf.

“No,” Tauriel said, though she didn’t look him in the eye.

“Really?” Kili asked.

He grabbed Tauriel’s hand and pulled her closer. She stared at the empty hallway not daring to look at him. If she did he knew she’d be caught. She had once told him of her admiration for his dark eyebrows and long brunette hair. She had weak fins for his eyes, he knew. 

The hallway they were in was open to the sea on one side and lined with rooms on the other, along with Kili’s and his brother Fili’s. It was the top floor of the several stories high palace. Bubbles floated randomly about lighting the dark ocean. For some reason there weren’t many where Kili and Tauriel were and their faces slowly became shadowed as more floated away.

“I’m leaving,” Tauriel said. “And I won’t be back.”

She turned to go and Kili caught her gently by the chin. She looked back at him and they locked eyes. She didn’t resist as he pulled her to him and gently kissed her full pink lips. “If you must.” Kili let go and looked at her with sad puppy dog eyes with only a hint of the darkness he intended.

Tauriel narrowed her eyes at him like she didn’t believe he would so easily let her go. Then as if a flip had switched she said, “Fine. This is the last time though. I know I’m not the only girl you bang.”

Then she swam up to Kili and planted a forceful kiss upon his waiting but slightly offended lips. He didn’t care though. She was the only elf he’d ever banged, and he’d gotten a taste for it. He wrapped his arms around her and pushed her back against the alcove wall. Her back hit the wall with a squish and suddenly more light bubbles started floating their way.

Kili wasted no time and flipped her towards the wall so he was behind her very fine mermaid behind. He knew it was only temporary because she was of the two leg sort, but he found it’s view spurred him on even more.

“Right here?” Tauriel asked. She had one hand on the wall and the other back, clutching at his waist awkwardly.

“I mean, yeah,” Kili said. His hands snaked up to paw at her clamshell bra.

“But the lights,” Tauriel said. “Someone's going to see.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be quick,” Kili said. He just wanted her to be quiet so he could get on with it. His little dwarf had already sprung forth from it’s scaled sheath and he didn’t want the moment ruined now.

“Quick?” Tauriel’s voice had gone low and sarcastic.

“You know what I mean,” Kili said in her ear, as he drove into her waiting tuna canoe. A sharp intake of breath was all Tauriel could manage. Her clam cracker was tighter than he thought she’d be. “You okay?” He asked.

She nodded and pushed back against him. He wished he could see her face. It didn’t feel like she was okay. Maybe he should have just let her leave. But, they were here so… He resumed canoe slammin and soon she was whimpering against the wall trying to pull her hair out of the way. It was literally everywhere, and so was his. But he had one thing on mind and one thing only.

That’s why he didn’t notice when his brother swam up to his door. He did notice when his blonde haired brother, Fili, squeaked and began swimming desperately the other way. Kili removed himself in a flash and Tauriel clutched at her loosened clamshells, looking like she wanted to literally die.

“Brother!” Kili called.

Fili slowed and looked back over his shoulder. He faced the wall when he caught sight of Kili’s still bobbing dick. Kili seemed to notice and it shrunk up like it had somewhere else to be.

“Uncle has returned,” Fili said, to the wall. “He has brought Bilbo with him.”

“Mister Boggins!” Kili said, in excitement.

Fili was still staring at the wall and Tauriel was still cowering in the alcove in embarrassment. “Mr. Baggin’s, Kili.”  
Then Fili swam off with his golden waves swirling behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heehehehehe purposeful oops.


	4. Awkward Luncheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo finally sees the shining halls of Erebor. Awkwardness ensues. Mystery also ensues with Dis. She seems like a hippie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't know what this chapter was going to be but I think it ended on a nice note. Oh my sweet cinnamon buns.

After the initial shock of getting thrown thirty feet into the ocean by a ten year old girl who thought he was a boy named Gandalf, Bilbo had come to enjoy his new tail. Thorin had commented on how nice the coffee color was and he’d had Bilbo take his vest and shirt off so they wouldn’t get further ruined. Now bilbo was just a half naked merhobbit with a pudgy stomach. Though, he wasn’t embarrassed. He had an excellent physique for a hobbit.

“It’s only about ten more minutes before we can see the kingdom of Erebor,” Thorin said.

Thorin’s tail was an emerald green and he’d forsaken his Arken and the Stones t-shirt earlier. Now he was bare chested and as hairy as any great merdwarf with rippling muscles to boot. Bilbo loved every bit of him, from tail to clear blue eyes. Delicious. 

They finally came upon the the underwater kingdom and it was quite the site to behold. Emerald walls shot out of the ground in great spirals and a plethora of mer dwarves swam about through the swimways and, seahorse carriage filled streets. Everywhere was alight with golden bubbles that bounced and bobbed playfully throughout.

Thorin led Bilbo to the topmost spire of the topmost tower of the topmost level of the topmost wall. Inside was a large hall that had a single throne in the middle. The floor was gone in all parts except a sort of pathway to the throne. 

A beautiful merdwarf maid with hair the same obsidian hue as Thorin’s and a white opal tail floated, conversing with a younger merdwarf with golden hair and a golden tail. She turned her head at their arrival and Bilbo started at the likeness between her and Thorin. She even had beautifully braided facial hair. BIlbo thought this would lessen her femininity but it only seemed to accentuate her soft features. This must be Dis.

“You must be Bilbo,” she cried, in merriment. “I am Dis, Sister of Thorin and Princess Under the Sea.”

Bilbo nodded his head and said a shy, “Pleasant to meet you.”

Thorin laughed and embraced with his sister. She hugged Bilbo next and Bilbo felt almost affronted by how much space her breasts took up between them. But it was a nice space, just surprising. They were covered decently with two starfish. If Thorin was a woman Bilbo thought he’d look just like her. For a maid she was pretty bangin. Bilbo widened his eyes at his impure thoughts. He couldn’t believe himself. Absolutely disgraceful. He pulled quickly out of the hug turning it awkward. But Dis didn’t seem to notice.

“This is my son, Fili,” Dis said. She motioned for Fili to join their little party.

“Mom… You know we already know each other,” Fili grumbled. “I helped retrieve our fishing vessel even if you like to forget that.”

Dis ignored his comment. “Go find your brother. We’re going to have a celebratory luncheon and he shall be present.”

Fili said nothing and swam out of the hall, is golden tail flicking light beams as he disappeared

“It took so long for us to find the wizard, dear Bilbo,” Dis began. “He is quite the free spirit, that one. He only comes round when he wants something. But I am more than happy to see you finally, after all the nice things Thorin has said of you.”

Thorin’s ears turned red and he tried changing the subject. “He only has three days as a mer before his tail and gills leave him. A pity.”

“A pity indeed,” Dis said. She glanced at the door Fili had left through. “He’s taking longer than I thought. I'll be back. Why don’t you and Bilbo go to the luncheon room.”

Thorin nodded. “This way little merhobbit.”

Dis and her curves disappeared through the doorway and Thorin led Bilbo through an arch into a hallway. Bilbo marveled at the little fishies that darted past and nearly crooned over the artwork hanging along all the hallways they swam through. 

“Must you sigh at everything we pass?” Thorin asked. “Do you not tire of the paintings?”

Bilbo harrumphed and said, “Must you stare at me always.” Thorin looked quickly away. “Oh don’t be embarrassed. You make me feel like no other when you stare like a creep for hours on end.”

Thorin laughed and gave Bilbo a playful shove. They arrived in the luncheon room soon after and were seated by a slender merdwarf that Bilbo did not recognize. The luncheon room was decorated in all whites and greens and was the lightest room Bilbo had been in thus far. It was as if the very sun hung outside the openings in the walls. Dis arrived soon after with Fili and Kili in tow and a merdwarf maiden Bilbo didn’t recognize. The most noticeable thing about her was her long swirling red hair. 

“Mister Boggins!” Kili cried, enveloping Bilbo in a warm hug.

“Baggins,” Fili said, as he took his seat next to Thorin at the round table.

Bilbo laughed and returned the hug. He had missed the two brothers. It was always a joy to see them bring light to the adult world. Dis had Tauriel sit between Fili and Kili and she took the spot between Kili and Bilbo. Bilbo hadn’t noticed before but a distinct flowery scent wafted off Dis in subtle waves. It reminded him of his garden on Bag End street.

They waited but a moment and then food covered the table in heaps, brought by several merdwarfs. “Wow,” Bilbo exclaimed.

“I can’t stay for long,” Tauriel suddenly blurted.

“Nonsense,” Dis said, with a wave of her hand. “Have some spring rolls.”

Indeed the meal they’d been served was chinese food, Bilbo’s favorite. He dug in with vigor and Thorin chuckled at his excitement. In fact everyone at the table, including Tauriel, seemed in awe by the sudden amount of food the little hobbit had consumed. In his vigor Bilbo dropped his fork and at the same time Fili’s napkin slipped off the table.

Bilbo went to pick up his fork, Fili and Tauriel both reached for Fili’s napkin. Bilbo looked across the table and saw Fili’s hand grab Tauriel’s awkwardly mistaking it for the napkin. However, his hand lingered and Bilbo felt like he’d just seen something he wasn’t supposed to see. Fork forgotten he reappeared in sitting position with a very guilty look on his face. He glanced across the table and saw Fili’s ears had turned red and Tauriel oddly looked like she might strangle the life out of herself. Dis and Thorin seemed to notice Bilbo’s awkward look. Only Kili seemed oblivious of the sudden tension as he chowed down on lo mein.

“This is delicious!” He said. “We rarely have chinese!”

“It’s a special treat for Bilbo,” Dis said. She daintily picked up some rice with her chopsticks and began eating her food.

“Really, I had better be going,” Tauriel interrupted. “I appreciate the offer to stay but it’s much later than I had originally thought.” 

Tauriel’s face had begun to turn red and it worsened when Kili looked at her saying, “If you must.”

She didn’t respond and just stood up. Both Kili and Fili stood up with her and Kili gave Fili a weird look before Fili apologized awkwardly and sat down.

“Indeed,” Dis said. She’d been eyeing the three teenagers closely and had wondered why Fili had looked so flustered and Tauriel so embarrassed earlier. “It was nice to see you. Kili will swim you out.”

“No, no,” Tauriel said. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

Then she swam out of the luncheon room leaving everyone a bit confused with a lingering feeling of awkwardness. The lunch soon became more pleasant and everyone was talking and laughing in no time. Bilbo felt quite stuffed at the end and wondered when dinner would be. Surely it would be just as delectable.

Thorin was called upon to inspect some mining equipment at the end so Dis ended up taking Bilbo on a little tour. Kili and Fili tagged along quietly. Bilbo hoped nothing had happened between the two of them. He couldn’t imagine Fili and Kili fighting. Eventually the two brothers made excuses to leave the boring old adults and Dis and Bilbo found themselves alone in the library.

The library was an opulent room full of couches and tables. Book shelves as tall as pine trees stood proudly. “Wow.”  
“It’s one of the most loved rooms,” Dis said. Even now the occasional merdwarf or merdwarf maid could be seen with their noses between the pages of a book.

“I just don’t understand how the books aren’t ruined,” Bilbo said.

Dis ran her pale fingers across the spines of the books. “Erebor is an ancient place, founded long ago. It’s wonders are a mystery.”

Bilbo felt like asking more questions about how exactly that worked but Dis seemed far away, her mind on other things. Bilbo pulled out a book and opened to a random page. He could barely believe his eyes. It was like some sort of ancient leatherbound playboy magazine. He snapped it shut and hurriedly put it back in its place.

Dis giggled. “Found a good one did you?”

“Um, well, you see,” Bilbo stammered. “I can’t exactly read dwarvish.”

Dis laughed again and said in a consoling tone, “I shouldn’t have stopped in this section anyway. Too tempting, wouldn’t you agree.”

Bilbo could only nod because he didn’t quite understand what Dis meant and he followed her as she swam into another maze of bookcases, her black hair trailing behind her in swirling strands that seemed to call to Bilbo. Strange, he thought, how much she was like Thorin but how different they were. He didn’t quite understand how easy going, yet hard nosed she was. Thorin was clearly the more hard nosed of the two. He only loosened up with his close friends.

“This is the gardening section,” Dis said. “Thorin’s told me how careful you are with your garden. Do you have plants like these on the land?”

She had opened a book and pictures of strange curling and spiky plants were depicted on it. “I’m afraid not.”

Dis sighed. “I’ve never been on the land. Thorin went to reclaim or fishing vessel but there has never been on reason for me to go. Even Fili and Kili have been somewhere I have not. I just wander around the halls every day waiting for an adventure.”

“Why didn’t you help reclaim the fishing vessel?” Bilbo asked. He didn’t mean to sound unkind and Dis didn’t take it that way.

“Someone had to manage the mines and protect our lands from the creatures of the deep,” Dis said. She sounded bored.

“Creatures of the deep?” Bilbo asked.

“Smaug the malevolent Sea Lion, the orc mer tribes of the west, the goblin squids of the east,” Dis listed. “Honestly we have our hands quite full down here.”

“Hopefully I’ll be visiting more often,” Bilbo said, a bit awkwardly. 

“Tell me a story,” Dis said.

Bilbo was surprised at the sudden demand but quickly conjured one. They sat down on one of the couches and Dis listened to Bilbo tell the story and then another, and another, and another, until Thorin reappeared and Bilbo found that he was sad to go.  
“Until the next time,” Dis said, from the couch. “I enjoyed your tales very much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is a cupcake cutie, but he has no idea what he's in store for.


	5. Smaug the Malevolent Sea Lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas and Tauriel go to the concert, Arken and the Stones, Smaug fucks shit up and a battle ensues. How much longer can Legolas deny his feelings for Tauriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favorite chapter thus far. Having a lot of fun and wouldn't mind idea suggestions.

Legolas couldn’t believe he’d let Tauriel drag him here. He didn’t even like Arken and the Stones. They were too punk for him. “How long is the concert?”

“Shut up Leggy,” Tauriel said. “You know you wanted to come.”

Legolas sighed. “I only came because you wanted me to.”

Tauriel nodded and scanned the crowd for the fifteenth time. They were in the middle of the the theatre in the stand section close to the stage. The lights were dim and the pre show was going strong. Some dude with crazy gingery brown hair was doing a solo about rivers of gold. He was some sort of rapper. It was quite hilarious.

“Who’re you looking for anyway?” Legolas asked, sounding bored out of his mind.

“Fuckin Dis,” Tauriel said. “She caught me with Kili, kind of, and now I think she’s suspicious.”

“Jesus christ!” Legolas threw his hands into the air. “Again? The fuck, Tauriel. He’s just a fuckin player.”

Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Jealous much?”

“Don’t say that like I’m gay, I’m not gay,” Legolas said.

“Suuuureee,” Tauriel said with a snicker.

Legolas glared at her. “Fuck you.”

“Oh my god!” Tauriel ducked behind Legolas, grabbing him by his bare shoulders. 

They were both transformed into mers. Tauriel had her green scaled tail and pink clamshell bra. Legolas tried not to let his eyes linger on her when they were like this. He personally liked how she looked this way. He had an ocean blue tail and wasn’t wearing a shirt, like all the other merdwarves. Only their elf ears gave them away but at a concert it hardly mattered.

“Oh nevermind, it’s just Thorin with his little babe, Bilbo,” Tauriel said. She flipped her long red hair out of her face. “They are dope cute together.”

“Oh look, the shows starting,” Legolas said. 

He really was tired of listening to Tauriel. Everytime she banged Kili she became a thousand percent more annoying. Legolas and Tauriel and been best friends since they were little and Tauriel was convinced he was gay because he’d never done the nasty. He had dated girls but she said that was just a cover up. She was retarded sometimes, but her loved her all the same. He had wondered why he hadn’t done it with the girls he’d dated but honestly he’d just never wanted to. He wanted it to be with someone special. He wasn’t into flings like Tauriel.

“Welcooommee!” The lead singer, Fili shouted. His gold waves were laced with braids and he wore three gold chains around his neck that moved as he riled up the crowd. Even his mustache braids had gold beadies. “We are. Arken… and the Stones!” Fili whooped his hands and slammed out the first chord of the song on his guitar. 

Tauriel went wild as Kili picked up the bass line on his blue lightening bolt shaped bass. Ori started headbanging over his standup piano and the whole room became a deafening cacophony of hormone crazed teenage girls, over Ori. Legolas did love going to concerts though. It was all about the atmosphere. It was fucking electric as the bass got pumping and Fili whaled on his guitar. Gimli was smashing on the drums like their was no tomorrow and Legolas couldn’t help but jive. Even for a punk band they were pretty badass.

Tauriel was laughing and giggling and her hand was holding Legolas’s arm. He couldn’t help but notice and realized in that moment that he had better tell her he liked her soon or he would forever be the gay best friend. 

Kili had found Tauriel in the crowd and it was like he was playing his g minor chords just for her. Legolas wanted to punch him in the face. Tauriel was eating it up though. Kili also wore a chain around his neck but it was small and silver. His hair had been pulled back into a messy bun and you would have thought he was a sex god the way he looked out at the crowd and strummed his bass. 

Ori had on a pair of dark sunglasses and his thin pale body seemed to gyrate to it’s own crazy beat. His rust colored tail twitched to the beat of the song. Gimli had on a black silver breastplate with their logo of the arkenstone surrounded by a dragon stamped on the front. He was going absolutely mad on the drums. His muscular arms beat out the core of the song and his feet were unreal on the bass drum.

Then suddenly a rumble, louder than the already raging band, shook the auditorium. Fili stopped is screamo and looked around. All the other bandmates stopped and were looking around for the source of the rumble.

“The fuck was that?” Tauriel asked.

“Dunno,” Legolas replied. “Probably a giant fucking octopus.” He laughed at his joke but Tauriel didn’t say a word.

A merdwarf swam onto the stage and whispered into Fili’s ear. Fili nodded in understanding then swam back up to the mic. “Smaug the Sea Lion has returned. Please do not panic and make your way to the designated exits. All of those willing to fight meet in the quarry.”

It was a flurry as mers swam frantically about. A large group followed Fili in what Legolas assumed was the direction of the quarry. The rest swam for the exits, some laughed nervously, others were straight up screaming like they seen a demon.

Tauriel darted in the direction of Fili and Kili and Legolas grabbed her by the arm as fast as a cat if a cat were underwater and had a hand. Really fast. “This is not our fight.”  
“Shut the hell up,” Tauriel said. She was frowning. “We’re going.”

Legolas didn’t argue with the concerned look in her eyes and followed her as she swam after the warriors. Shit, she really like this boy. They were all gathered in the quarry and Thorin was speaking to all of them. 

“Smaug the malevolent has terrorized these lands for long enough. Today is the last day he will want for our gems and precious things,” Thorin was breathless with anger. “He shall try no more. This is the last of it all! Are you with me?”

The merdwarves raised their swords and axes and roared in agreement. Tauriel and Legolas watched from the side quietly. They had brought no weapons so they had snuck some from the quarry supplies and were now armed with harpoons and swords.

Thorn raised his sword in agreement, and that’s when Legolas fist saw Smaug the Malevolent Sea lion. He certainly wasn’t the size of a normal sea lion. He was sneaking his way around one side of the palace, they faced him from the quarry, and he was nearly as big as the palace. It was as if the city of merdwarves was a mere playhouse for the titantic Smaug.

“Thoooriinn,” Smaug growled. His whiskers were as thick as trees and as long as electrical lines. They twitched into a sneer as Smaug glared down at the merdwarves. “Why do you not just give up, just lay your arms to rest. No matter how many traps you throw I will always bat them away. My fins are steel.” 

He bat down on the palace and a barrage of harpoons rained towards him. The whole palace shook but the strong walls held together. Thorin was shouting commands and the dwarves had begun to put together some sort of propeller like object. It was round and tipped with a wicked point. They cranked the propeller and with each crank it seemed to become eager. As if it were alive and not just crafted metal.

Then suddenly the ocean was crowded with goblin squids to their left and Smaug cackled as they hurried to aim their tridents and swords that way. Underwater fighting was truly a bother, Legolas thought. But here was as good a time as any to impress the ladies. He launched from his hiding spot and whipped his sword to and fro, decapitating the goblin squids, leaving them with just legs as their heads swirled about in the churning current the fighting had stirred. 

He pulled out his stolen harpoon and sighted his aim before impaling twenty squids at once. The spear like weapon had a metal string attached and he swam in a circle corralling thirty more squids with their already dead comrades. It was peaceful mayhem as he hacked and sliced at the vile screaming creatures. 

Tauriel had gone into warrior princess mode as she swirled and dived, expertly killing her opponents. She snuck her way slowly towards Kili who was fighting alongside his brother. They were snarling viciously as ten goblin squids came at them from all sides and they used each other as grips to change their direction of movement quickly. They were far faster as a team than the goblins were as an unorganised mass. 

The water soon filled with the blue blood of goblin squids. It was mirky madness as the battle raged. The only light came from the city of Erebor and as the blood spread it grew dimmer and dimmer until Legolas had to rely on his elf eyes to see where he was stabbing.

“Bilbo no!”

Everyone heard it. Thorin was desperate in his cry but no one could see anything beyond their own immediate enemies. The blood was spreading to quick.

“You look sad,” Smaug boomed from his perch on the palace. “Sad little merdwarves, blinded by blood. I could eat you whole.” His voice was raspy and full of desire for merdwarven meat. He longed for the taste.

“Bilbo!” 

Legolas looked round but he couldn’t find the little hobbit. Bilbo was certainly in trouble but their was no telling where he could be. 

“Kili!” Tauriel screamed. 

Legolas swam at top speed towards her voice. Tauriel was swimming towards a crumpled blue form as fast as she could but Legolas was closer. He got to Kili just in time to block a goblin squids spear as it sliced towards the unconscious Kili. Legolas sliced it in two and it lost all momentum. Fili was nowhere to be seen and Legolas had thought the two always fought together. At least that’s what Tauriel had told him.

Tauriel was currently at Kili’s side keeping him from sinking. “Kili? Kili are you okay.” She shook him by the shoulders.

“Ugh stop,” Kili grumbled. “Got hit on the head. I’m fine.”

“I saw,” Tauriel said, her lips trembling. 

Legolas could only look. He couldn’t say anything as Tauriel made sure Kili was alright.

Kili pushed Tauriel’s hands away. “Got to go find my brother.”

“I’ll come as well,” Tauriel said.  
“No,” Kili snapped. He pushed her hands away again. “Just stop, I don’t need you to worry over me.”

“You almost died. If I hadn’t come,” Tauriel began.

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t owe you anything,” Kili snapped again. “I need to find my brother.”

And with that Kili swam off leaving Tauriel with her heart a little more broken.

“You're too hopeful with him,” Legolas said. “He isn’t going to change anytime soon. You know he doesn’t want any relationship but the one he has with his brother.”

“Shut up!” Tauriel screamed at Legolas.

She chopped the head off of the nearest goblin without even looking then took off in a bloody rage, killing anything she could find. Legolas sighed and went after her. Someday they’d both be adults and be able to handle emotions better. Legolas had graduated last year from boarding school and Tauriel would graduate this year. Funny enough, this year had been the year she had decided to start sleeping with any and everyone.  
Legolas killed a few more goblin squids before going back to where the harpoons were kept, and methodically began harpooning goblin squids. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will the battle be resolved!? Is Bilbo okay?! Wheres Fili?! Oh my!?


	6. Bilbo is Risky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo finds himself in the middle of a sea battle between goblin squids, Smaug the Malevolent Sea Lion, and the merdwarves. He can't stand worrying about Thorin's safety. He charges head on into the battle but how can a little hobbit stop a fifty foot long seal lion, the likes of Smaug?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of drama between little Thor thor and Be Bo. Be bo is brave!

Bilbo had no idea what he was doing in the middle of all this fighting. Thorin had told him to stay inside with Dis but he couldn’t. She had disappeared anyway to fortifye parts of the city. Now he was just floating in the middle of the quarry trying not to draw attention. When the occasional goblin squid would spot him he’d just scream and point behind them, and when they looked he’d hide behind a cloud of blood. It was shockingly effective.

“Thorin!”   
Bilbo had finally found his love and was aggrieved to see he was surrounded by goblin squids. He swam desperately towards the raging King but soon regretted it when Thorin spotted him.

“You must not be here! This is not place for a hobbit.” He chopped the legs off a squid rendering it motionless and swam to Bilbo’s side. “Come quickly. I must get you out of here.”

“I want to be here, with you,” Bilbo said. “I haven’t died yet.”

“It’s only a matter of time,” Thorin said, in concern. He had one arm around the small hobbit and the other was expertly cleaving goblin squids with his sword.

“Does this happen often?” Bilbo managed to ask, despite how fast Thorin was taking him towards an entrance into the quarry.

Thorin rolled his eyes. “Honestly it’s a weekly occurrence, but i’d never considered you’d be here in the thick of it. If anything were to happen to you…” Thorin didn’t finish his sentence but instead stopped in front of the entrance to the quarry. He gripped Bilbo by the shoulders and looked him square in the eyes. “Those who cannot fight hide here. They will take care of you while we take care of Smaug.” Thorin glanced to where the vile beast could just be seen, cackling and pulling furniture off the merdwarves patio’s and flicking it to the open ocean. “We have a weapon the pile of blubber will not be able to so easily fend off…” 

Thorin’s eyes had grown dark and it scared Bilbo. Bilbo felt as if Thorin would go to any lengths to protect his kingdom from the blimp sized Smaug. His friends personal safety seemed to be suddenly at risk, with that one look. Thorin pushed Bilbo towards the entrance after giving his shoulders a heartfelt squeeze and turned to rejoin the battle.

“Thorin no,” Bilbo said, with a tinge of panic. His hand reached for Thorin’s but didn’t quite make it.

“Do not worry, master burglar. Wait with the others. It will be over soon enough.” Then he swam away with Bilbo clutching after bubbles. 

Bilbo felt like crying. He’d seen Thorin like this once before, on the deck of Azog’s pirate ship, The Defiler. He’d nearly been stabbed in the heart, blinded by determination to reclaim his fishing vessel. Bilbo felt a shaking begin in his hands and he floated on the threshold of a decision. He looked at the quarry entrance. It was basically a merdwarf sized hole in the ground that led to mines and tunnels. He looked out at the battleground that was swirling with thick blue squid remnants. 

If someone were to look at Bilbo from a distance they would see a curly haired middle aged merman with a handsomely pudgy stomach. They might assume he’d forgotten something, or had lost his way and was trying to retrace his path. It would seem very unmentionable and mundane. 

But to Bilbo, this was the moment he trusted his most beloved or the moment he risked it all. He would have to risk it all to put an end to this. An end it would have to be, and soon, before Thorin got himself killed, or worse, eaten by the mammoth Smaug. The only food served would be the victory feast that Bilbo would cook himself, as soon as this battle ended.

“Welp, guess it’s up to me,” Bilbo said.

Without further ado Bilbo sped at top Hobbit speed towards the mountainous problem, Smaug the Malevolent Sea Lion.

“You look sad,” Smaug boomed from his perch on the palace. “Sad little merdwarves, blinded by blood. I could eat you whole.”

Bilbo had a good view of the sea lion now and he thought he should be scared. He wasn’t. Smaug was almost cute in a gigantic sort of way. He reminded Bilbo of a golden retriever. Hyper, but fluffy enough to be loveable. Smaug was certainly fluffy. His brown hide was covered in fur and he had extra weight even if he was proportionally compared to an average sea lion. 

Bilbo was swimming with a speed that others would call lightning, but he felt as if he could not reach the sea lion fast enough. 

“Bilbo no!”

Bilbo didn’t slow even though he knew that was Thorin’s call. He raced towards Smaug with a tiny hobbit fury. It was like he was weeding his garden. That’s how intent Bilbo was on reaching Smaug without being thwarted.

“Bilbo!”  
Bilbo didn’t even hear the second call. He had on blinders and all he could see was Smaug’s big black eyes and tiny flattened ears. Smaug had now swam away from the palace and was snarling . He flapped his great fishy tail and the water swirled in deathly waves. Bilbo was a smart hobbit though, and found the small holes in the whirls that only he or a child could swim through. Even a child wouldn’t have been as fast as Bilbo. He was the fastest mer of them all.

“Who is thisss,” Smaug chortled as Bilbo’s scrunched up, in determination, face came into view. “A little niblet to cleanse my palate, perhaps?”

Bilbo froze. 

What the fuck was he thinking?

How had he ever thought swimming up to Smaug the giantest fucking sea lion in the whole damn ocean was a good idea? The hobbit had thought that if he could get to Smaug he might be able to end this quarrel. But now that he was here, he realized that was a grievous mistake. 

“No, I have come to… warn you,” Bilbo said, choking slightly on his words.

“Oh?” Smaug leaned his great furry head towards the hobbit right up until he was nearly cross eyed.

“Yes… a warning from a… ahem… wizard.” Bilbo was pulling at strings here. He only hoped he could distract the lion long enough so that someone could take him down.

“Go on,” Smaug said, in a nearly soothing tone, if not for the white as clouds teeth he was baring.

“Well, he wanted me to tell you…”

“Yessss?” Smaug was smiling at him now. “You’re different from the others. Tell me quick before I bite off a taste.” Bilbo swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbed up and down but despite the fact he was in the middle of the fucking ocean his mouth still felt dry. Smaug began to cackle. “There is no wizard. Though i wondered what you would come up with.”

Bilbo couldn’t say anything else. He had no more thoughts in his head. So when his hands, of their own accord, reached into the pouch Thorin had given him, that was strapped around his waist, and pulled out the two small bottles Gandalf had given him he didn’t blink an eye. Smaug didn’t even notice. 

Bilbo figured if the sand and the amber liquid could give him a mer tail it could surely do something to Smaug. It would be a distraction at least. He uncorked both vials and, swimming as fast as he could, went straight for Smaug’s nostrils, shoving the sand and liquid into their murky depths.

Smaug roared. Bilbo felt himself ripped backwards as a forceful current exited Smaug’s maw. He did however catch what happened next. 

“No, not with Bilbo out there!” Thorin screamed. He was swimming as fast as he could towards his darling hobbit but the propeller had already been released and was headed straight for Smaug. Who was incidentally on the other side of Bilbo. Even with the great sea lion’s roar it did not stop the subsonic black harpoon. 

With a pop Smaug was transformed into something different. A little different. A lot different. He was now a Malevolent Sea Lion the size of a stuffed bear. The subsonic black harpoon was still aimed directly at him. It would no longer just wound the beast. It would destroy him into bits. Along with Thorin’s precious Bilbo. 

If it was to end in harpooning then they should end together, Thorin thought as he finally reached Bilbo. He threw his arms around the tiny hobbit and buried his face into his golden curls. Bilbo clutched back at what he instinctively knew was Thorin but had no idea the fate that awaited the two of them. He was still in shock at Smaug becoming tiny Smaug.

“Not today bitches!” Came a small feminine, but booming, voice. 

There was a flash of light and Bilbo watched as the black propelled spear he’d glanced at earlier whizzed by. It flew unhindered off into the dark abyss of the ocean. Bilbo turned in Thorin’s arms and realized why Thorin had grabbed him in such a way. That thing had been aimed for Smaug, and thus him. But how had it missed? Bilbo and Thorin turned to see a tiny Gandalf with a grey tail and a crop top robe floating before them. He even had his pointed hat on and carried the same driftwood stick he’d picked up at the beach. He also still wore his grey fake beard and it swirled in curlicues in the water.

“Hello!”

Bilbo clutched at his heart in relief. It seemed that Gandalf had somehow rid the ocean of the rest of the goblin squids as well. The little devil. “Hello Gandalf.”

“Oooh look! A pet,” Gandalf squealed. He swam past them like a dart and soon had tiny Smaug in his arms. “Only for seventy two hours though. We better find this little guy a home before he blows up to the size of a blimp again and kills us all.”

Bilbo was seriously flabbergasted by Gandalf. What magical stuff was this little blonde girl, boy, made out of?

“Thank Mahal!” Thorin cried. He threw his arms around Gandalf and Smaug making the tiny Smaug squeak and Gandalf giggle. “You came just in time.”

Gandalf smiled a sly smile and stroked Smaug’s baby, furry, head. Smaug grunted in enjoyment. “Don’t I always?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Gandalf. How do these words even come out of my fingers?


	7. Thorin Goes Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo and Thorin are ready for some fun after the devastating sea battle to relax their moods. Though, things only get more stressful when someone sees something they really should not have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of feel bad about writing this but, reasons.

It was midnight on the first day of Bilbo being a merhobbit. Thorin and Bilbo had meandered their fishy behinds to Thorin’s chambers and were now laying in his clamshell bed like little pearls. 

“I’m exhausted,” Bilbo mumbled. “And stuffed as a pie.” He nuzzled into Thorin’s fuzzy chest hair. 

“That’s because you actually are stuffed with pie,” Thorin chuckled. “The feast you cooked was amazing. I’m amazed.”

Bilbo chuckled. “I had to do it. We’d won the battle and thus needed a feast.”

“But for hundreds of people?” 

“I had help.”

“Suurree,” Thorin said. He tickled Bilbo’s bare ribs.

Bilbo squeaked out his words. “Stop! Not the tickle!”

Thorin only tickled more and chuckled as Bilbo squirmed. 

“Thorin!” Bilbo batted Thorin’s hands away “I think I deserve better than this! After all i’ve done!”

A grin spread on Thorin’s face. “All you’ve done is shrunk a giant sea lion and now we have to take care of him. He’s like a baby.”

“He’s cute!” Bilbo huffed.

“You’re cute,” Thorin shot back.

“That’s not really an insult,” Bilbo said seriously.

“I know,” Thorin replied.

“I thought we were insulting each other,” Bilbo said.

Thorin ran has wide dwarven hand down Bilbo’s chest. “We’re not.” He said the words like he was speaking about stealing apple pies from window sills. It was totally turning Bilbo on.

“Thorin, we’ve had a rough day. We should just sleep,” Bilbo said quietly.

“You’re right, my scrumptious sugar plum,” Thorin said loudly. He pushed Bilbo away, rolled over, and began snoring loudly.

“Thorin!” Bilbo whisper shouted.

“Shhh, I’m sleeping,” Came Thorin’s reply.

Bilbo rolled his eyes, “How would we even have the sexy times. I’ve got a, I’ve… it’s a tail!”  
Thorin rolled over and was grinning madly at the hobbit. The light from the bubble lights was casting shadows across Thorin’s face that made Bilbo frustrated. How could one dwarf be so utterly perfect. His small mouth was grinning wider now and Bilbo couldn’t help himself as he reached out and smoothed his fingers over Thorin’s magnificent beard. 

Thorin’s chambers included a desk made of carved shell, a full length oval mirror, a wardrobe, a magnificent vaulted ceiling, and of course the clamshell bed with it’s fluffy sea plant sheets and throws. The dark green of the walls worked perfectly against the gold accents and the reason the bed was so interesting to Bilbo, besides the fact that he liked comfortable things, was that the shell was plated in pure gold. It was ostentatious and Bilbo loved it. It was so Thorin.

“Oh my dear sweet, innocent, hobbit,” Thorin murmured.

Thorin reached for Bilbo’s coffee brown scaled hips and drew him near. His hand kept wandering until Bilbo felt a sudden sensation. “Oh! Oh.” The second oh was much lower than the first, as his eyes widened in understanding.

Thorin pulled the hobbit closer and closer until Bilbo’s eyes were as wide as saucers. Then ever so quietly Bilbo said, “I’m not innocent.”

Thorin’s eyes began to cloud over with dark need. Bilbo’s eyes crinkled as he watched Thorin lose himself. This look of Thorin’s nearly scared him when he first saw it. It was a possessive look, a look of need and wanting. It made Bilbo feel special and he’d never felt quite like this before. He’d never lain with another before and he felt in his heart that Thorin would be the only one. 

Bilbo’s little tuna torpedo rose from it’s scaled curtain. It was aimed straight for Thorin. Thorin’s eyes raked down his hobbit’s body and because of their closeness he had to dip his head to see the hobbit’s protrusion. That cranked Bilbo’s sexual wheels even harder. The mere effort it took for Thorin to move his head to especially see his tiny wonder was like a corn on the cob butter stick treasure.

Thorin’s own clam hammer and sprung free of its bindings and Bilbo felt the urge to touch it. So he did, and Thorin breathed in sharply. He stroked the stiff potsticker like he just couldn’t get enough. Bilbo really thought he couldn’t, not ever. Thorin was just so wow, and his penis was just so impressive. A truly impressive cock that was an honor to hold. 

Thorin seemed quite impressed with Bilbo at the moment, however. Thorin was laying on his back with his eyes closed and his hands were clutched tightly at the pale green sheets. Bilbo twisted his hand as he stroked upwards and giggled as Thorin moaned. Bilbo was beginning to feel desperate himself, like the only thing to satisfy his own raging torpedo was to spur on Thorin even more. 

He leaned towards Thorin and was suddenly confused about where to position himself. He couldn’t kneel between Thorin’s legs. Thorin had a tail from which his little dwarf was poking out the middle. Bilbo had no clue how to get a good grip to actually go hard and give him a decent blow job.

“Bilbo,” Thorin mumbled. His hands searched for Bilbo. “Don’t stop.”

Bilbo was just beside himself. He sat back on his fishy tail and said plain and simple, “I’m confused.”

Thorin’s eyes fluttered open and he propped himself on his elbows. “How could you possibly be confused. We’ve done this many times.”

“But not with a tail,” Bilbo squeaked. “It’s like trying to stab a turnip with a fork that has no tines.”

Thorin rolled his eyes and smiled. “How do you think I feel when I visit you on land.”

“But you’re amazing!” Bilbo argued.

“I’ve only become used to it,” Thorin said. “Why don’t you give it the good hobbit try.”

Bilbo looked back at Thorin’s still raging rod and smiled. Oh he’d figure it out all right. If Thorin could figure out two legged sexy times he could certainly figure out mer tail sexy times. He resumed his hand movements on Thorin’s succulent sausage. Bilbo ran his tongue around his mouth a few times to build moisture before going down on his dwarf.

Thorin’s elbows collapsed and Thorin was flat on his back as Bilbo’s warm mouth surrounded his dwarfhood. Thorin resisted the urge to move, with the fear that he’d mess up the perfect motion of his golden hobbit. He tried his best to feel every sensation Bilbo was emitting. He remembered all of Bilbo’s best techniques but something about this moment topped them all. Bilbo was the butter to his bread, the meatball to his spaghetti, the banana to his split, the cherry to his topping. 

He was different than all the others before him. Thorin had lain with many a dwarf and had never found the satisfaction or comfort he found with Bilbo. Bilbo reassured him, he made him feel like a king and yet safe and protected. Thorin was more than fortunate to have met the hobbit. He was blessed by Mahal, truly. 

Bilbo reached for Thorin’s jam bags and realized that mer Thorin didn’t have any to be found. He would just have to work his tongue harder and bob his head faster. Thorin responded delightfully to Bilbo’s kick in pace and he reached down to press the Hobbit’s head down harder. Bilbo didn’t like taking in the full length of Thorin’s dwarfhood normally, not because it disturbed him in some way, but because he had a truly awful gag reflex. 

Somehow he managed not to choke, he pushed back the urge because this is what Thorin wanted. It was strange to suddenly feel Thorin so far back in his throat and it made Bilbo want to stir his own wisk. He resisted reaching down and just let it throb. He would be next for sure. Bilbo would take Thorin nearly to the top, and then it would be his turn.

Thorin was wriggling beneath him, just itching to buck up and away. He couldn’t though, he knew he was already pushing Bilbo’s limit’s by holding him by his light brown curls. He didn’t want to damage his hobbit. But he really didn’t know if he could control himself. He held back, stilled his hips with his own hands. That of course didn’t work. He could feel it building past the point of no return and he didn’t want to cum now. Not before Bilbo had his fun. That wasn’t fair. But Bilbo was being too vigorous. His mouth was an all new sensation. It was so warm and the pressure was delightful and just random enough to surprise Thorin into jolting his hips. 

Of their own dark delight Thorin’s hands reached down to Bilbo’s bouncing head and pushed down hard. He felt bad. It felt forced. But he was completely lost in feeling. Any regret at his movements was pushed aside as intense pleasure racked Thorin’s body and he exploded into Bilbo. He felt deep satisfaction knowing the hobbit would surely swallow his sexual mustard.

Bilbo made a choking sound and pulled back abruptly. “Thorin!” He looked both hurt and surprised.

“Bilbo,” Thorin reached towards his beloved and felt like he’d been slapped with a brick of ice as his lover shrunk back.

“You know that makes me uncomfortable,” Bilbo said. 

He was almost crying and Thorin wished he’d never done it. He wished he’d had more control. He should have given Bilbo a turn. He’d been completely selfish.

Thorin reached for Bilbo again, this time slowly, and Bilbo turned his head away to face the doorway where he saw a very surprising sight. Thorin turned to look as well and two things in the room shrunk up in a split second. Dis was frozen halfway through the door with her hand covering her mouth in what looked like a silent horrified scream and her eyes were as wide as a full moon. She had floated in right at Thorin’s orgasm and had seen the whole uncomfortable sight. Of course Bilbo and Thorin hoped she’d only seen the less graphic end.

The thought hadn’t even brushed Dis’s mind to knock as she entered Thorin’s room. He hadn’t had a guest so in so long and she had fallen back into the patterns of her and her brothers younger and far more innocent days. She felt as if she should be swimming as fast and as far away as she could. The poor little hobbit pressured by her lustful brother. Was it always like this? That just didn’t seem right. But she didn’t know what went on behind closed doors. She wished someone would just drag her away but nobody was moving and she still hadn’t found control of her body.

“Dis!” Thorin practically shouted. “What is so important?”  
That was the push that released her. They could just hear her say, “Smaug the baby sea lion is tearing shit up, thought you should know,” as she swam hurriedly into the dark corridor and away, far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww, I'm a terrible person.


	8. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tauriel sneaks into Legolas's room after a drunken escapade and they play video games. Legolas learns something he wished was never a fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely the least cracked of the chapters so far. I felt it deserved a little more seriousness. Although now I'm not sure where to go. Comments and suggestions are appreciated because I'm truly at a loss. Thanks and hopefully you enjoy!

Legolas sat in a slump, leaning against the foot of his bed. He’s eyes were glazed over in mild interest as he turned his wii controller this way and that. Light from the television made jumping shadows in his dark room as it was the only light. He didn’t even know why he was still up. He had put on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a soft dark grey tee shirt, brushed his teeth, sat down to play a few rounds of his latest video game, and had never made it to his bed. At least he didn’t have to work tomorrow. That was a relief. 

Legolas continued to stare numbly at his seventy two inch, wall mounted, flat screen tv. He didn’t even bother to look when he heard a scratch at his window. It was open and was letting in the slightly salty night breeze. Legolas had been dying of heat earlier in the evening and hadn’t bothered to shut it. His father’s house was on an expansive private estate on a hill overlooking the ocean so it didn’t even cross Legolas’s mind that someone could be outside.

“Go faster you damn dinosaur,” Legolas mumbled.

“Are you playing mario kart?” A drawling voice asked.

Legolas jerked away from the voice and in motions that couldn’t be explained because they were to fast and too confusing and far too many movements, Legolas stood up and had his wii controller ready to beat the shit out of whoever had snuck into his room.

“Tauriel! Jesus you scared the living daylights out of me,” Legolas said. His shoulders slumped once again and he dropped to the ground on his knees.

“Sorry,” came Tauriel’s meek reply. She sat down next to Legolas and rested her head on the end of his king sized bed.

“Hey you okay?” Legolas asked. He reached out a hand to brush away the red hair that had fallen over her eyes.

Tauriel slapped his hand away hard but her hand continued flailing, until it rested limp at her side. “Yeah, I don’t know what your talking about.” 

It seemed to Legolas as if Tauriel were putting in a lot of effort to say those eight words normally. He looked at her outfit. She wore black skinny jeans, a metallic silver tank top under an unbuttoned red flannel, and her best brown leather ankle boots.

“Whose party was it? And hand it over,” Legolas said, like he was her dad.

Tauriel flipped her hair out of her face and stuck her dainty nose up saying, “I don’t know what you are talking about!” Legolas snaked out a hand as fast as an actual snake and reached behind her back. “Leggy!” She was giggling madly. “No don’t!”

She was too drunk to push his strong sober hands away and soon he was holding her backup flask in his hand. She often liked to keep the party going long after the actual parties had ended. He’d learned to take it from her as soon as she showed up, which had been often since school had resumed.

Tauriel had gotten into the habit of partying on the weekends and afterwards coming over to Legolas’s house to giggle about nonsense before quickly passing out. She would always end up on the bed so Legolas would inevitably go to one of the guest rooms to sleep and that always gave him the creeps. They seemed so empty and lifeless even though Sandra, the housekeeper, kept them tidy and dusted at all times. He should have expected Tauriel to come tonight but he’d had far too long of a day to even have the energy to go to actual bed.

Legolas unscrewed the cap of her silver flask and took a whiff. “Fuckin tequila? Really?”

Tauriel giggled and asked, in a whining voice, “Why don’t you come anymore?” She slumped back too far and had to catch herself before her back hit the ground. She ended up using Legolas’s shirt as a hand hold and she nearly dragged him with her. He was used to drunk Tauriel though and soon had her back propped against the wooden foot of his bed and changed his seat so he faced her and she wouldn’t have to move to look at him. He still held the wii controller and mario kart was stuck on the end credits of a failed race.

“You know why, Tauriel,” Legolas sighed. “Everyone’s just there to get shitfaced and I’ve graduated.”

“What? So you think you're better than us?” Tauriel’s giggles had died and she was looking drunk pissed. So not really convincingly mad. She poked him in the chest and he had to repress a smile.

“No, I just don’t want to do that,” Legolas replied.

“You want to play mario kart, in a dark room, by yourself?” Tauriel said it like an extremely sarcastic question.

Legolas did laugh at that. “Yes, I guess I do.” He glanced at the clock, it was a quarter past midnight.

Tauriel began giggling again and she reached for the pile of controller’s next to Legolas’s bed. “Let’s play drunk mario kart!” Legolas rolled his eyes. “Pleeease?” Tauriel flopped forward on her hands and knees and started crawling towards Legolas. “Pleeeeeaaaasseee!”

“Fine, fine! Just get off me!” Legolas laughed, and pushed her gently away.

She sighed in contentment and waited until Legolas was sitting next to her to say, with an evil grin, “I get Yoshi!”

“No! I already had Yoshi!” Legolas complained. 

“Well that’s too bad!” Tauriel said with a snort. “You didn’t have any competition then, now did you. You were just sitting by yourself, racing the computer generated assholes.”

“They really are assholes,” Legolas agreed.

“They’re always faster than you!” Tauriel replied. “Nintendo actually makes it a challenge to play this stupid game by yourself. How weird is that.”

“Weird,” Legolas agreed.

Then they both hunched over, sitting cross legged, and stared at the screen in concentration. Legolas had settled for Bowser, his second, and was trying to use him as an intimidation technique towards Tauriel’s tiny Yoshi. She was shockingly good at mario kart for a drunk person.

“I’m gonna kiss you ass,” Tauriel said evilly.

“You’re going to kiss my ass?” Legolas asked with an equally evil grin.

“What?” Tauriel squeaked. She stopped racing and turned to look at him. “I, I’m not, going to kiss your ass.”

“Well that’s what you said, not me,” Legolas said. He smirked and dodged a playful smack from Tauriel.

“I’m drunk!” Tauriel said. “You can’t believe the things I say. Hey you passed me! That’s not fair!”

“You snooze you lose,” Legolas said as he raced Bowser to first place.

“I’m drunk! You can’t do that to a drunk person,” Tauriel said in her defense. She’d resumed playing and was soon catching up to him. 

“Says the girl who’s been cruising in first this whole time,” Legolas shot back.

“Shu’up,” Tauriel mumbled. “I’m going to kick,” she turned to Legolas, looking as proud as the day she’d gotten a bulls eye in archery class, “your ass!”

Legolas couldn’t help but look at her for a moment even though it might cost him the race to luigi who was catching up. Her eyes had lost their drunken glassiness and were bright with mirth. Every time they were together Legolas always felt like he was alive and full of energy like her. Her excitement for everything was absolutely infectious. Even when she was sad, or angry as a hornet Legolas felt comfortable in her presence. She was never actually judgemental, she was always accepting and looking for the fun side of things. He only wished she wouldn’t drink so much and cool it with all the boys.

“No, no, nonononnononono! You fucker!” Tauriel threw down her controller as Legolas passed the finish line, winning the race. “You cheated!”  
Legolas laughed and raked his hands through his long pale blond hair. “Yeah, and Bilbo’s your uncle.”  
Tauriel looked at him in genuine confusion, totally distracted from his win and said, “Bilbo isn’t my uncle.”

Legolas rolled his eyes yet again and playfully poked her in the stomach eliciting a rewarding giggle. “I know,” he said sarcastically.

Tauriel poked him back and her giggles rose in pitch as he jerked away. “Hey! Don’t start that! You know I’m ticklish.”

“You started it,” Tauriel said, as she poked him a few more times making him laugh aloud.

She giggled along with him and he thought she was done tickling so he picked up his controller again, ready to start another round. That’s when she went in with a surprise attack, poking and prodding until she had him writhing and laughing on his side. He had to hold her hands to get her to stop because no amount of pleading would stop her ruthless attacks. His hands slipped up to her wrists so he could get a firmer hold and suddenly she jerked away.

“Ouch!” Tauriel cradled her wrists and slumped back against the bed with half lidded eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Legolas said. He leaned forward to inspect her wrists. “I didn’t think I was hurting you.”

Tauriel pulled away from Legolas her eyes suddenly going wide as he tried to examine her for injuries. “Did I bruise you? That looks like a bruise…” Realization dawned on Legolas. She’d already been bruised, he’d just aggravated the matter. “Here, let me see. What happened?” Legolas could see a slight fresh bruise on the top of Tauriel’s right wrist and she hurriedly pulled down her sleeves before he could look further. 

“I’m fine,” Tauriel snapped. She grabbed her controlled with a slightly shaky hand and in much sweeter tones said, “Come on, I’ll beat you this time for sure.”

“It doesn’t look fine to me,” Legolas said. “Just let me see.”

Tauriel scooted away as he reached for her hand again and Legolas ended up grabbing her hand in a tight grip so she wouldn’t pull away again. He lifted her sleeve quickly and frowned. “What the hell did you do?” Bruises had swelled all around her right wrist and with a sinking feeling and a lot of struggling, Legolas eventually pulled up her left sleeve as well. He felt as if someone had slapped him as he looked at Tauriel's tiny swollen wrists. Both were bruised and getting purpler by the second. “Tauriel, who did this to you?”

Tauriel snatched her wrists away and fell onto her side. She recovered clumsily and said, “No one.” Legolas knew it was a lie. Her eyes couldn’t quite meet his and her face had turned from the rosie inebriated pallor to pale as a sheet.

“Who was it?” Legolas growled. His hands had balled into fists and he felt a burning begin in his chest. “Somebody at the party? Whose party was it?”

“No-nobody!” Tauriel stuttered, nearly shouting. “Just a-an accident.”

Legolas leaned towards her, letting his fists support him, and said very quietly and without any emotion, “Tell me who the fuck it was.” Tauriel shook her head violently and tears began to spring free, leaving hot tracks on her cheeks. Legolas’s dark blue eyes were narrowed and bored into Tauriel’s perfect brown ones. “Tell me right now, I’m going to fucking kill whoever it was.”

Tauriel’s hand flew to her mouth in shock. Legolas had never looked so intent, he was actually going to kill them. “It was an accident!” The words came out muffled and without sincerity but she thought she had to say something that would make that dead look in his eyes go away.

“Did someone do something to you? Did you get in a fight? Oh god,” Legolas leaned back on his calves and his hand came to his lips. “Tauriel, did someone rape you?” Tauriel’s tears became sobs and she threw herself at Legolas. Legolas was frozen in shock so she just held onto him like a clinging babe to it’s mother. Eventually he found the feeling in his body and he pulled her up onto his lap letting her cry into his grey tee shirt. It soon stuck to his pale skin with wetness. 

Legolas couldn’t move, he couldn’t say anything. He had always worried about her on the weekends. He’d worried about her getting alcohol poisoning, getting into a car with a drunk driver, sleeping with a dude she didn’t care about, getting depressed, becoming an alcoholic, the thought of her getting raped had actually crossed his mind once or twice. Instead of going with her, protecting her from all this he’d let his feelings stop him.

He couldn’t bare to watch her make out with guys so he stopped watching. He stopped going to all the keggers, and ragers, and stoner parties. He liked socializing but he couldn’t make himself witness her take the hand of some guy and lead him away to a private room. He couldn’t just tell her. He’d thought she would reject him because she was convinced he was gay, or she didn’t like him at all, and he’d have ruined the one good thing he’d had going, their friendship.

What kind of friend could he call himself now. He hadn’t been there in her most dire time of need. She’d been thrown around, probably, forced, she had bruises from hell on her arms, and he’d been sitting playing fucking mario kart because he couldn’t just be her friend.

“You need to go to the hospital, Tauriel,” Legolas said quietly. His limbs unfroze and he gently stroked her back in a soothing motion. He felt her shake her head against his chest. “You have to go. I don’t care what happened. Those bruises on your wrists mean that it wasn’t consensual. You need to, to,” Legolas stopped. Get justice? Get vengeance? He couldn’t quite find the words.

“No,” Tauriel said. She started crying again and her back shook with tears. He held her tighter. Legolas had always viewed her as strong. She’d gotten him with more than a few good punches when they were younger. Seeing her so scared and small made him hate the guy even more. He’d taken a strong beautiful woman and reduced her to this. His precious Tauriel would now have to live with this for the rest of her life. She’d have to know that she wasn’t strong enough, that one night when it mattered. It made him sick. “He’d probably just come after me again, to shut me up,” Tauriel said into his shirt.

She was holding onto him with ferocity, like she was stranded in the ocean and he was a life raft. “I will protect you,” Legolas said. He didn’t let any weakness into his voice. He’d been too weak too long. As much as he pretended he was the strongest, baddest guy around, his emotional strength was lacking. But he’d have to change that quick, right now, for Tauriel’s sake.

She’d stopped crying and had pushed herself off of Legolas’s shirt to look at his eyes. “You will?”

Legolas pulled her back to his chest and quietly said, “I’m sorry I stopped going with you.”

Tauriel squeezed him with all the strength she had left and shook her head, “It’s my fault, Legolas.”

Then she cried until she couldn’t possibly cry anymore. Legolas eventually convinced her that she needed to go get a rape kit done and they drove in stoney silence to the hospital. Legolas had borrowed one of his dad’s cars, since his was still at the shop. It was a dark blue honda civic coupe, the newest model. 

It was painful to wait as Tauriel went through the stages of the rape kit in the private hospital room. At least she had a councillor in there with her to explain things and comfort her. Legolas hadn’t felt right going in with her as her friend and she hadn’t asked him to. Legolas had grabbed a tee shirt and Tauriel’s favorite of his hoodies. It was dark green with a stitched on cloud on the back. He’d also grabbed a pair of drawstring sweats for her and a pair of boxer briefs. He hoped they’d at least stay on her until she got regular clothes.

As he sat in the hard hospital seat he tried not thinking about his feelings for her. That would only make the situation worse at this point. He couldn’t imagine be overpowered in such an intrusive way. Legolas was twisting his blonde hair furiously and nearly pulled out a chunk in frustration. His knees bounced anxiously as he waited for his friend to return.

When she came out she was wearing an emotionless expression and her hair had been tied up in a haphazard bun. “Let’s go.”

Legolas stood up. “Did you want to talk to the police before we leave?” 

Tauriel just kept walking down the hall, not even looking at Legolas. “I don’t want to even think about that shit right now.”

Her words were harsh but her tone was tired. Legolas hurried to catch up and walked quietly beside her with his hands in his pajama pockets. He opened the car door for her and waited until she was safely strapped in before running around to the other side and starting up the engine. He’d half expected her to refuse his kindness but after she’d had come out of that room she’d lost all the emotion from earlier. 

It was a cool night but Tauriel rolled down her window and leaned against the door frame. Wisps of unruly red hair flew about in the wind as Legolas drove down the nearly empty highway. There wasn't very much light pollution in their city and they could just make out a few stars in the sky. The moon shone high above it all. 

Tauriel's head kept slipping off her hand but she didn't fall completely asleep. Legolas figured she was trying to fight off what the alcohol had already started on her and when they got home he’d had to sling her arm around his shoulder to get her up to his room. He knew she wouldn't want her parents to see her like this. She was just on the verge of passing out and he knew her vision was shot by the way she kept stumbling in his too big slippers.

He laid her down on his navy blue sheets and pulled the sheets and white comforter over her still form. She was staring at him with big brown eyes in the lamplight as he tucked her in but she didn’t say anything. He gathered up the wii controllers from the floor and put them back in the tv cabinet before going to leave for one of the guest bedrooms.

“Legolas,” Tauriel said quietly. If it wasn’t for the silence of the room Legolas wouldn’t have heard her quiet voice.

“Yes?”

“Can you sleep on the floor tonight?” Tauriel asked. 

Legolas smiled. “Of course.” 

His hand slipped from the doorframe as he walked back to the bed and stole one of his four pillows. Tauriel huffed as one of her pillows was pulled away and Legolas was reminded of all the other times she’d spent the night. For a moment it was like it had been before he saw the bruises and his face fell into a frown. Tauriel seemed to notice and she grabbed his hand.

“Right here,” she said. She pointed to the floor next to the bed on the side she was and tried to smile.

Legolas managed to smile back and plopped his pillow where she wanted it. He retrieved a blanket from his closet before turning his desk lamp off and laying down on his back. He did not sleep for a long time but it was shorter than he’d thought it’d be. Soon after Tauriel’s breather became slow and regular Legolas drifted off into a sleep full of dreams he couldn’t quite remember when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment your feelings on this chapter. Like? Dislike? What would you like to see next?


	9. Donation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tauriel runs away from Legolas's house and ends up on the public transit but with a dirty homless man. Dumb shit ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crack is back. Fo sho. Don'r forget to kudos and comment if you relate. I had to write something fun and Tauriel seemed dumb enough to do something like this. Thanks for reading!

Tauriel awoke slowly and with great pain. Her head felt as if it had been hit with a metal bar and her wrists felt swollen and pinched. She could barely move her body and it didn’t help that she was on her stomach in a puddle of drool. The bed was so cozy and soft and it was like a warm hug around Tauriel’s beat up body. And the morning light making it’s way through the half open blinds made her hate the sun but appreciate the way it lit up the white walled room nicely.

Peeking her head over the pile of plush white comforting comforter, Tauriel took a look at Legolas. Normally, she refrained from these types of secret looks. It hurt because she knew he was gay and thus she couldn’t really fully appreciate him the way she wanted. She looked now though, she couldn’t help herself.

Platinum blonde hair spilled over the dark blue of the pillow. Legolas was sprawled out on the ground with one hand above his head and the other resting on the slow rise and fall of his stomach. He looked peaceful and calm. It was quite unlike how he had been the night before but she honestly couldn’t remember much of the night before. She knew she’d told him that she’d been… abused, and they’d gone to the hospital for a rape kit but the alcohol was thankfully making the memories dim.

His grey tee shirt was hitched up a bit on his stomach and she could just see a bit of the soft blond fuzz that trailed into his flannel pajama pants. Tauriel bit her lip and pulled away from the edge of the bed. She really needed to stop coming here. She should probably find another friends house to crash at. That would make her far more comfortable. Although, she knew that wasn’t exactly true. Legolas really was her best friend. It wasn’t an accident she’d stumbled the two miles to his house, uphill, in the middle of the night, last night.

Tauriel couldn’t take being in this room one second longer and threw the blankets back. Her head reeled and she could feel her stomach clench in on itself. She didn’t stop though. She got up, slipped her feet into Legolas’s slippers, he wouldn’t mind if she borrowed them, and made her way quietly down the stairs. She didn’t think she could handle climbing down the window right now and wondered how she’d managed last night in that state.

“Moorning Tauriel.”

Tauriel froze in her tracks and turned to see a smirking Thranduil standing in the kitchen doorway. “Good morning, Mister Greenleaf,” Tauriel said, far too chipper.

“Would you like some earl grey to start your day off,” Thranduil asked. He seemed to be saying something else with his eyes though. 

Tauriel pulled the sleeves of Legolas’s green hoody further over her hands feeling a sudden chill in the expansive house she hadn’t noticed before. Then she realized she was dressed in all Legolas clothes and she swallowed uncomfortably. “No I’m okay. Just stopped by last night, fell in the mud, got mud everywhere, it was soooo gross, so Leggy, um, Legolas is letting me borrow these.”

She pointed to her shirt and wished she could smack the smirk right off Thranduil’s face. Did he even realize his son was gay? He acted like this all the time with her, like he knew something she didn’t, and that that something was that Tauriel and Legolas were like, in a relationship or something. He used to give her more friendly smiles when she was younger and would spend the night. Now it was all smirks, and disapproving looks.

His face fell into the disapproving look she’d been waiting for. “You really should be more careful.” Then he turned with a flick of his hand and disappeared into another part of the kitchen. “Don’t forget to bring them back, Tauriel.”

Tauriel hurried along so she wouldn’t have to hear another of Thranduil’s dramatic speeches about whatever thing displeased him at that particular moment. He was a single dad and had been since Legolas was six so she figured he’d gotten bored of being rich and didn’t have his son to entertain himself with since Legolas had graduated and gotten a real job at the Murky Wrench car mechanic shop.

She pulled open the victorian style front door and hurried down the front door steps. Sean, the mexican gardener, gave her a wave as she practically ran down the gravel drive. It crunched under her slippers and poked her feet uncomfortably. With the running, the heat of the actual sun, and her raging headache Tauriel couldn’t help but spew her literal guts out on the end of the drive. She only felt a little bad. Thranduil wouldn’t even see it before a groundskeeper turned the gravel or sprayed it off.

She stood there dry heaving for what felt like an eternity and wiped several times at the sweat on her forehead. She looked out at the landscape before her. Peaceful hills covered in grass and dotted with tropical trees and plants swayed in the morning breeze. The sun was lighting the sky in golds and reds as it rose over the ocean mist into the gathering clouds. It was beautiful but Tauriel could hardly pay attention to anything other than her feet as she started walking again. Tequila really did the worst things to her. 

Eventually she made it to the bus stop at the bottom of the hill and paid the dollar fee to ride it. She shuffled onto the bus and gripped each empty seat she passed for the sake of balance. Her red hair swung freely in her eyes and she hardly had the strength to push it away. After finding a seat that didn’t look like someone had taken a shit in it she sat down heavily and pressed her temple against the cool glass of the window. That helped the throbbing a bit.

“Hey, hey gingy,” a raspy voice said, from behind her. 

Tauriel didn't care to look. It was probably just some homeless dude asking for a donation, as they liked to call it. She’d ridden the public transit many a time and had dealt with her fair share of the crazies that couldn't drive.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she slowly turned to face the stranger. Raw anger built up by the events of the previous night, and stoked by her hangover, burned in her eyes as she turned.

“Whoa, sorry girl.”

He was a thirty something white male with a scruffy beard and a raging sunburn. He wore a dirty white tee shirt and dirty cargo shorts. And his dirty tangled rat's nest of hair was tied back with a zip tie. Tauriel continued to glare at him for a second then turned back to her now uncomfortable position hoping she’d done the trick.

“I just want a dollar,” the man said in that gravelly smokers voice. 

Of course he wanted a dollar. “I’m not the one to ask,” Tauriel snapped, without turning to look at him.

She felt his hand on her shoulder again and felt like throwing up so bad she thought she’d pass out. So she turned, leaned over the back of her seat, and yorked all over the men's baggy cargo shorts. After she was done puking she gave him a satisfied smile. The man’s mouth hung open in dazed shock and he could only stare at Tauriel’s smirking brown eyes.

“Fuck! Bitch!”

Tauriel was not prepared when he sent a wild fist careening at her jaw. Even though it only clipped her, she felt a sharp sting of pain and her head whipped towards the window, just missing the hard glass.

Tauriel gripped the scratchy cloth of the seat tight in her hands and felt a deep burn beginning in her stomach, rise until it filled her chest and spread to her arms. Her eyes opened slowly and she rubbed the spot on her jaw with her already bruised hand. Then she proceeded with blind rage to beat the literal shit out of the homeless man. She couldn’t even feel bad. It felt like she was actually beating her attacker and it felt good. Real good. 

With every punch she felt like she was winning a bit of her soul back. Her face was red and puffy and a vein on her forehead was popped out with strain. He had fallen over across two seats in the fetal position and she was practically like a monkey as she clinged to the back of her seat with one leg half over. It was awkward but she managed. She only began to feel bad when a gooey brown stain appeared on the seat of the man's pants and his actual diarrhea began to trickle down his hairy leg.

“Oh my god,” Tauriel scrambled away from the man as fast as she could, dry heaving all the way to the front of the bus. It smelled terrible. It was a sick smell of unhealthy eating habits and reminded her of mold. “Let me off.”

“Can’t do that miss,” The man said. “I’ve called the police and they’re on their way. Tauriel’s fists tightened at her side and she fought to control her urge to dry heave again. The thought of the police arresting her for beating the shit out of a homeless man was more than she could handle. She couldn’t believe she’d just done that.

“Let me off, before I beat the actual shit out of you too,” Tauriel growled. It was far more intimidating of a voice than how she actually felt. But it worked. The man braked and opened the doors. She wasted no time running off the bus.

“Good luck not getting found in the middle of the city!” The man yelled as he peeled off in his giant public transit bus with ghetto blue racing stripes.  
He had truly dropped her off in the middle of downtown Rivendell. People were walking in all directions and Tauriel’s spine was assaulted with chills. She was going to get arrested in public. This was a small town. Somebody would surely tell her parents. She needed a pay phone now. She reached into her pocket, one quarter was all she had left. It was just enough to save her dumb white ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bahahaha, my fave to read aloud. I was crying with laughter. I was totally stone faced when I wrote this though. Thanks for reading! Hopefully I'll come up with something a little less or more? cracked.


	10. Veggie Burgers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is Tauriel's unexpected rescuer. He gives her much needed advice. Bonding ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a shorter and less eventful chapter. But I enjoyed writing it. Thanks so much for reading! Don't forget to leave kudos and comments. I'd love to here what y'all think.

Bilbo sat in his favorite green armchair with his feet propped up and his fingers crossed on his lap. Sunday’s, sunday’s, sunday’s, just about as boring as monday’s. Bilbo eyed the map Drogo had ‘let him borrow’. He knew it was incentive to go explore the hidden lake in The Misty Caves but he couldn’t seem to pick it up. His mind was a bit preoccupied, preoccupied with… Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin and Bilbo had gotten awkward after Dis had seen them doing unspeakable things with each other, to say the least. To say the most, Bilbo was angry with Thorin. Thorin knew he didn’t like what’d he’d done, Thorin had proceeded to defend his actions instead of apologising, and then he had offered to take Bilbo home one day early. To Bilbo’s great shame, he had accepted. Now he was sitting in his favorite chair, the chair that gave him the most comfort of all the chairs in his beach house, and he was frowning. 

It had even been a week since he’d left the underwater kingdom of Erebor! He’d tried to put his energies into his landscaping business, Shire Landscapes, but even that could only calm him when he was doing it. When he was just sitting, like now, he could only stew. He needed to talk with Thorin, understand what was getting him so riled up. Thorin didn’t return his calls or texts though and he felt utterly shut out. 

Bilbo harrumphed and settled down into his plush armchair a little deeper. They’d been together one glorious year. Feelings of doom fell over him in a great personal cloud. Maybe that’s all he would get. Or maybe, he’d just have to turn into a mer again and swim right up into that beautiful’s dwarf’s face and give him the, what for. 

A buzzing in Bilbo’s left jacket pocket brought him out of his spiral and he pulled out his work phone. He had one personal cell phone and another for Shire Landscapes. His thumb lingered over the accept button. Did he really want to deal with customers today? 

“Hello,” Bilbo answered.

“Yes, hi, I mean, um who is this I am speaking with?” A small female voice stuttered.

Bilbo could hardly hear a word she said. “You must speak up.”

“WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?” The girl shouted.

Bilbo pulled the phone away from his ear for a second and slowly blinked his eyes. “Bilbo Baggins with Shire Landscapes. How may I assist in your landscaping needs?”

“Oh my god, for real? Bilbo it’s Tauriel,” the small voice said.

“Tauriel?” Bilbo couldn’t quite remember how that name was familiar to him.

“We met at Thorin’s, I’m… Kili’s friend, can you come get me?”

“Get you?” The tone of voice Tauriel’s voice had taken was childlike and had a shakiness to it that made Bilbo’s stomach sink. “Where are you?”

“I’m at the Cherrywood nail salon in Oak Tree shopping center. Please, please come get me. I’m sorry this is so weird. Please just hurry.”

“I’ll be there in a jiffy. Just sit tight Tauriel.”

Bilbo pushed the end call button and stared at his phone in puzzlement for a second before grabbing his driving hat off the hook and driving off in his convertible VW Bug. The top was down and it tousled his light brown waves as he drove into town. His favorite color was blue but the dealership didn’t have blue when he’d gotten his Bug so he had settled for red. It was a sporty car but Bilbo didn’t quite understand the hype. Something about VW Bugs was just a little bit shitty.

Oak Tree Shopping center was a sketchy place in the middle of downtown Rivendell. It was one of those shopping centers that looks new and exciting but once you start walking around you realize nobody's there. Except for you, the employees, and the six homeless people who had set up camp in the middle. It was an outdoor mall so Bilbo just drove up to the outside of the Nail Salon and waited for a frantic looking Tauriel to hop in. She had looked small and bored when he’d first spotted her flaming hair but now she looked all pinched up with worry and her clothes didn’t seem to fit her. Something was definitely off.

Bilbo glanced at Tauriel. She was seatbelted with her hands clasped in her lap and her feet square on the floor. “Where am I headed?” She looked over at him with big brown watery eyes. She tried to speak but she couldn’t seem to find the words. “How about we take a walk on the beach? That’s always a relaxing thing to do.”

Tauriel didn’t argue so he took off back towards Myrtle and Minty beach. Bilbo stared straight ahead the whole way to the beach and so did Tauriel. Neither one of them could come up with anything to say. Bilbo could only think about how bizarre the whole situation was. It was bizarre, so bizarre, nothing compared the bizarreness of where he found himself now.

He slowed the car and easily found a spot at the nearly empty beach. Clouds had gathered in great menacing patches of grey but the rain had yet to come. They got out of the car and Bilbo led the way to the sandy shore. Each step was warm bliss on his bare feet. He’d kicked his toms off as soon as they had parked. So had Tauriel. Her feet were far smaller than he had guessed, however. He’d only seen her as a fish before and the slippers she wore were far too large.

After plopping down on the sand Bilbo finally looked directly at Tauriel. “So, how was I the one you called?”

Tauriel’s eyes couldn’t hold his for more than a moment. “I didn’t have my phone and of course I couldn’t remember anyone’s number besides my house phone but Legolas had this in his jacket pocket.” Tauriel pulled out a scrap of paper that had a phone number and Shire Landscapes written in neat handwriting on it.

“Oh!” Bilbo clapped his hands. “Legolas and I somehow got on the subject of my business at the celebration after Smaug was shrunk. I gave him my info then so his father Thranduil could get some work done.”

Tauriel just nodded and looked out at the blue waves. Her eyes were rimmed in red and her extremly long red hair was in tangled waves. “You don’t have to tell me… but I’ll listen if you need to talk,” Bilbo said quietly.

Tauriel glanced at him for just a second and he saw her barriers slip. Her face scrunched for a moment then her whole story spilled. She started with her fight with Kili about wanting to be his girlfriend, then how she’d gone to a party to get shitfaced and had gotten herself alone with someone she shouldn’t have, and how that person had taken extreme advantage, of how she’d sneaked into Legolas’s, and how’d he’d driven her, stone faced, to the hospital. She was crying angry tears as she spilled the whole story and Bilbo tried not to laugh when she told him about beating the actual shit out of a homeless man on the public transport bus.

Bilbo scooted closer to little Tauriel and patted her softly on the back as she babbled on and on until she was so cried out she could only stare numbly out at the inward and outward rush of water.

“Sounds like both of us need to take control of our lives,” Bilbo said.

There was a snort from Tauriel. “I’ve given up.”

“You don’t need to,” Bilbo said, reasonably. “Not quite yet. It sounds like you’ve got a good friend in Legolas. Maybe you should seek his help. Tell him what’s really going on. Sounds like you want to date Kili. Just talk to Legolas, if he’s as gay as you say he’ll have some advice. It’ll be better than advice from an old fogey like me.”

Tauriel laughed softly. “Thanks Bilbo. I honestly feel a lot better.”

“Of course, dear,” Bilbo gave Tauriel’s shoulder a squeeze. They listened as Tauriel’s stomach gave a obnoxious growl and Bilbo smiled knowingly. “Let’s go get some veggie burgers.”

“How did you know I was a vegetarian?” Tauriel asked.

“You have good skin,” Bilbo replied with a kind smile.

Then they drove to The Two Veggies and chowed down. Tauriel ate her food with a fervor that Bilbo would have, in normal circumstances, clucked his tongue at. Now he just smiled as she shoved bits of green in her mouth greedily. He took careful bites and they were soon sated.

“I never even knew this place existed,” Tauriel exclaimed as she sunk down happily in their booth.

“This was the place where I showed Thorin what veggie burgers were. He hadn’t believed they existed before.” Bilbo chuckled at the fond memory.

“Are you two like married or whatever?” Tauriel asked. She wiped her mouth daintily with her napkin and took a big swig of water.

Bilbo couldn’t believe Tauriel would be able to make him blush with those few words. But he did. It crawled quickly up his neck to his cheeks and the teenager giggled. “Well, we consider ourselves partners, in crime,” Bilbo laughed, “but as of a week ago we’re a little on the rocks…”

“I’m sure you two will work it out,” Tauriel mumbled sleepily. “You’re adults. You know how to talk in like, human.”

Bilbo laughed again, avoiding saying more. “Time to take you home.”

Tauriel seemed to snap out of her stupor in anxiety but nodded. “I have to some time or other.”

After Bilbo had taken Tauriel home he sat in his own driveway for quite a while. She was right. He was an adult, and so was Thorin, they could definitely talk this out. Then Bilbo flounced out of his car, happier than he had been in days and hurried to find the map Drogo had given him. Maybe he’d go on an adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Bilbo, sweet Bilbo. Next chapter has some funs. So keep on reading........ :)


	11. Arken and the Stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Legolas's birthday party! Arken and the Stones are there and Legolas really wants to tell Tauriel he likes her but he won't just do it. Tauriel sees him kiss a boy and she doesn't understand why she reacts so strongly. He's gay. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically I'm just doing whatever I want. And honestly, it's a lot of fun. I guess that's what's so great about fanfiction. Anyway. Enjoy! May the angst live on!

Kili sat quietly in his room. He felt the urge but did he really want to follow it through? Tauriel’s proposal of actual dating made him uncomfortable. He liked bangin her but he liked bangin lot’s of people. He didn’t want to date any of them. The uncomfortable thing was that he had considered dating just her. Like taking her to seahorses races and watching the latest Lord of the Swings movie with her and them holding hands. He’d never thought he’d be that kind of dude. He had always assumed he would fuck bitches and get money. He needed to talk to someone. He needed to talk to Fili.

Kili hopped up from the end of his bed and swam confidently out his door and down the hallway. He paused with his fist raised in front of his brother’s door. Did he really want to ask Fili for advice? The last girlfriend Fili had was nonexistent, because he’d never had one, because he was gay as a three dollar bill. He knocked twice.

“Come in,” came a muffled reply.

Kili cracked the door open and peeked inside. His brunette waves meandered about his head and they slid across the door as Kili swam in. His brother was laid out on his bed, belly down. He seemed to be very involved writing. He didn’t glance from the notebook as Kili swam in and Kili felt rude for interrupting him. That was his song and lyric notebook.

“Sooo…” Kili began.

Fili put a hand up to quiet him and scribbled furiously in his notebook. Kili floated quietly and couldn’t quite figure out what to do with his hands. He settled for clasping them in front of him as he waited for Fili to finish his thoughts.

Fili’s pen stopped and he gave a satisfied nod to his brown, leather, notebook. “What is it you needed, brother?” Fili’s blue eyes bore into Kili’s in that intense way. He figured it was the artist in Fili that made it so intense.

“I need some advise,” Kili said. He came to sit by his brother and tried peeking in his notebook. Fili snapped it shut. “Aw come on. I’m in the band too!”

“This ones personal,” Fili said. “Advise about Tauriel?”

“How’d you know!” Kili punched his brother in the arm. 

Fili smiled and rubbed the bare skin of his arm where Kili had punched him. “I always know Kili, your too easy to read.”

“Well then, what’s your advice?” Kili asked. His brown eyes were wide in worry. 

“You shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss a relationship with her,” Fili said. His golden hair was flowing loosely and he tied it back with a string of seaweed as he spoke. “I think you’ve actually come to appreciate her company. Maybe you should have a real conversation with her, get to know her.”

Kili sighed and crossed his arms. “How am I supposed to do that. We already got in a fight about me not wanting to date her.”

Fili smiled a wicked smile and his eyes glinted with mirth. “You’re going to have to ask her on a date. You could ask her at the party. I’m sure she’ll be there.”

“Party?” Kili’s eyebrow shot up and a smile spread on his lips.

“Thranduil’s asked Arken and the Stones to play at his son's birthday party,” Fili said.

“Ah, I notice you don’t mention the twats name,” Kili said. “You know he doesn’t like me.”

Fili shrugged with a smile. “For good reason. You’re a bit of an asshole, brother.”

Kili glared at his brother. “Way to just put it out there Fili. It’s not like you're my brother or anything. You shouldn’t call your brother an asshole.”

“Somebody's got to,” Fili said. “Tauriel certainly won’t. Just try to be more sensitive, Kee. Okay?”

Kili smiled at Fili’s use of his childhood nickname. “Fine, Fee. I’ll try…”

“Good.” Fili gave his brother a warm hug and patted his head. “Now go. I’m trying to be emo and inspired.”

Kili laughed. “You’re succeeding, brother.” Then he left to go find some food. His tummy was grumbling and he knew Dis had been baking up a storm earlier.

 

Two weeks later….

 

“Fili, Fili, Fili, Feeeeeeee!”

“Oh my god! Would you just shut up! This isn’t your first concert,” Fili growled.

They were on Thranduil’s stage in his back lawns. Kili hadn’t been surprised when he saw that Thranduil had a full stage, curtains and all. Currently the band was doing the final stages of setup before the curtains opened. Fili stood in leather pants and a leather vest at his microphone stand. His golden curls hung loose on his bare shoulders. Kili knew the girls would scream for his lack of shirt and his lack of ability to button his vest closed. His lightly tanned skin would be visible for all and Thranduil’s parties were always huge. Even if it was his son's birthday party which Kili thought should be a more personal affair. Any excuse for a party was a good excuse to Thranduil.

Light metallic taps drew Kili’s attention to Gimli. He was methodically tapping out the beginnings of their first song on his drum rims and looking as chill as a cucumber. Gimli wore his usual black metal breastplate with their logo of a dragon circled around the Arkenstone on it but today he also wore a matching black metal helmet, and of course black skinny jeans. His hair sprung from beneath his cap in great kinked clumps. Kili wished he would at least brush his long red locks once in awhile. They’d soon turn into one huge dread.

Ori was looking inconspicuous as usual at his piano. Kili didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get an electric piano. That stand up was one heavy son of a seal. Ori was sporting a longsleeved cream flowing shirt and black loose pants. He was the epitome of hippie. Kili himself had picked out a plain black tee shirt that was a little tight and black jeans. His chocolate hair was pulled back in a haphazard bun that he was sure would fall out at after the first headbang.

“I seriously need to take a piss,” Kili whispered at Fili.

Fili rolled his cerulean eyes. “Of course you do.”

“Don’t say it like I’m a child,” Kili snapped. “I’m eighteen, you’re twenty three, not much difference there.”

“Fine, just hurry the fuck up. Thranduil’s stage men are going to pull the curtain soon and your base is the intro, don’t forget.”

Kili rolled his eyes right back at Fili and set his base on it’s stand before hurrying off into the woods. The back of the stage was right up against the treeline so he wasn’t worried about anyone spotting him and his wanker.

“Whoa dude.”

Kili’s stream stopped short and for the first time since passing into the trees he looked around. It was a twilight grey lighting that made it hard to see but he couldn’t mistake the blond who stood not five feet from him doing his own business.

“Sorry man,” Kili hurried to say. “Just really needed to piss.”

Legolas hurried to get his pants situated properly and said, “Me too. Not sure why I’ve got to have this party anyway. Just makes for inconvenient pissing.”

Kili laughed awkwardly and turned away to finish doing his dwarf thing. “Thanks for having us at least.”

Legolas snorted. “It was Tauriel’s idea, I’m sure you're glad to hear.”

Kili had stopped peeing and turned around to reply to the blond but he had disappeared, leaving Kili alone in the woods.

“Was getting worried,” Fili mumbled when Kili returned to his bass guitar. “Hey, is something wrong?”

Kili shook his head and plugged his bass in. “Let’s blow this shit up.”

Fili grinned and took a firm hold on his microphone. “Let’s.”

 

 

“There you are!” Tauriel ran over to Legolas and grabbed his hand. He gave her hand a quick squeeze before pulling his away. “Um, the band's about to start! Can’t have the concert without the birthday boy!” Tauriel could feel a flush race up her neck. “Is everything okay?”

Legolas nodded his head and smiled at Tauriel but he didn’t say anything. The sun was sinking below the tree line and the twilit lawns were beautifully framed in purple, gold, rays. She tugged her green sleeves down nervously and Legolas gave her a careful look. “Are you in pain?”

Tauriel shook her head and her long red locks swished in the evening breeze. “The bruises stopped hurting days ago, they just haven’t quite faded.”

Legolas nodded but didn’t seem satisfied with her answer. Every time they had hung out lately he’d been unusually somber. She wished she hadn’t told him about her… bad time, after all. If he was going to be such a stick in the mud that they couldn’t have a fun time then she should just leave. It had been at least a week and a half.

“Heeeeyyy! Cousin!”

Tauriel’s head snapped to see Lindir and his twin brother Figwit smiling huge smiles at the birthday boy. Lindir was the one who had spoke and his arm was slung around Legolas’s shoulder.

“Sup, Lindir, Figwit,” Legolas said, coolly. 

“Nothing much, totally stoked for the band,” Lindir replied with a wink. “Aren’t you Leggy? Heard you had a liking for the lead singer. What’s his name? Fiki?”

“Fili,” Legolas corrected. “They’re pretty good, I guess.”

Tauriel could tell Legolas didn’t quite get what Lindir was insinuating. She couldn’t manage to let him in on it though because her mouth had dried out the moment she’d heard Lindir’s voice. She hadn’t seen him since that, night she got the bruises on her arm, and she didn’t want to see him after what had happened. She didn’t want to see him or his brother who she normally prefered.

“How bout you Taur?” Lindir drawled, turning his brown eyes to her. He tossed his long brunette hair over his shoulder as Tauriel fought to form words in his mouth. “I thought you had a thing for the bassist. But maybe you don’t? Maybe someone else has caught your eye recently.” He smiled a grin that wasn’t welcoming but it disappeared before anyone but her could notice.

Figwit looked from Lindir to Tauriel with big innocent eyes. He never knew what was going on. Well, most of the time. “We should probably say hello to Thranduil before the show,” Figwit said quietly.

“Sure, sure,” Lindir said. He looked annoyed but he let his brother lead him away.

Tauriel exhaled in relief. Too bad for her, Legolas noticed. “Tauriel, what’s wrong? Was one of them at the party?”

Tauriel nearly choked. How could he be so spot on? “Party?” Tauriel gave her best confused look. Legolas’s nearly said more but their was a sudden booming over the speakers.

“Are you ready to get down to some sick beats!” Fili shouted into the mic. The curtains were still closed but the crowd, of Legolas’s family and just about every friend, from close to acquaintance, errupted. The girls in the crowd screamed along with a few of Legolas’s gayer cousins, Lindir included.

The curtains swung apart and the setting went from calm to carayzay. The band members were still, for a few long seconds before the bass struck up and they started doing their moves on the stage. Fili’s golden waves were the center of it all as he twirled and stomped with the beat of Ori’s piano.

“Where is the birthday boooy!” Fili called. His voice was deep and gravelly and Tauriel knew that ninety nine percent of the girls there were jealous they weren’t Legolas at that moment. 

A spotlight shone on an alarmed Legolas and Tauriel scooted out of the limelight. “Here he his!” Thranduil swept up onto the stage in his white party robes. Green and gold decorated the robes and made him look like a King among commoners. Thranduil held a glittering mic and gestured to his thoroughly embarrassed son. “This is all for my little leaf. May he have many more years to come.”

The crowd clapped wildly. Thranduil did this every year and the older Legolas got the more amused everyone was. Some had even gone so far as to make signs saying, go Leggy, or, Leaf 19. Legolas expected it but Tauriel knew he couldn’t quite handle the mass of attention. Thranduil smiled a small winning smile and swept off stage.

“One, two, three,”

Fili started rapping a mile a minute and Tauriel swayed with the rest of the crowd. She couldn't quite keep up with the words but his voice was smooth and it invigorated something deep inside the people’s feet. Legolas was still as red as a beet and Tauriel laughed, poking him in the side. He finally managed to loosen up and laughed, swaying along with her.

She had helped him pick out his outfit for the night. When she had first shown up at the house to help Thranduil set up he’d been wearing jeans and an old graphic tee. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t ever pick a good outfit for a party. She thought his gay would come out and help but he didn’t seem to have the trait. She shouldn’t be stereotypical though. Just because he couldn’t pick a decent outfit didn’t mean he was any less of a gay man.

She’d picked out a nice blue sweater and a pair of khakis for him. She’d also pulled his leather oxfords out of the back of his closet and instructed him to put them on as well. He had complained that they were too stiff. Sacrifice for style, Tauriel always said. She was wearing a knee length green cotton dress. The material was loose and the longsleeves helped her from being too self conscious. She wore her brown leather ankle boots that Legolas liked to call her party boots. She couldn’t help that they made her feel confident

Arken and the stones was really tearing it up although they had deviated from their usual punk style to more of an indie feel this time. Tauriel liked them no matter what. She tried not to stare at Kili on his electric blue lightning bolt bass but her eyes kept being drawn to him.

He was hunched over his bass plucking deliberately at the strings, a look of pure concentration on his face. It was like no one was there. It was just him and the strings. Tauriel’s breath caught at the sight of it. She couldn’t help but imagine him holding her as carefully and securely as he did with his bass. She tried to stamp the hope out of her heart but his dark looks kept drawing her in like a fish on the line, she was hooked.

“Hey,” Legolas shouted over the noise. 

Tauriel watched him mouth something to her. “I can’t hear you!”

Legolas leaned close to her ear. “Do you want to bounce?”

Tauriel gave the blonde questioning eyes. “Is something wrong?”

Legolas shook his head and pulled away from her. “You know what, never mind.” Then he turned and disappeared into the mass of people.

Tauriel couldn’t help feeling annoyed. She’d especially asked Arken and the Stones to come because she had, on good authority, information that he liked the lead singer, Fili. Now he was being a piss baby about who knows what. They’d been enjoying themselves and having a good time. What changed?

Tauriel looked at Kili with a new desire in her mind. She wanted a distraction, from Legolas’s moodiness, from Lindir’s presence, from the fact that she was now alone in a crowd of people she hardly cared about. Tauriel crossed her arms and stuck her lip out. Stupid Leggy. It was probably just about his dad being such a drama queen or something.

Tauriel gave Kili one last dark look and turned into the crowd after Legolas. First she checked the drink station. Aragorn and Arwen were basically being disgusting love birds over the punch bowl and it made her feel like spewing her dinner on their party outfits. She hurried along. The gazebo was empty, the kitchen only had a few elven drunks singing happy birthday to themselves, loudly, and when she ran up to his room it was dark and devoid of the handsome blonde.

“Where the fuck is he?” Tauriel whispered to the dark room. No one answered and Tauriel felt a sudden chill tickle the back of her neck. She closed his door and ran down the dark hallway to the downstairs.

“Hey you seen the birthday boy?” Tauriel asked the drunks in the kitchen.

One swung an inebriated gaze towards her and smiled. “Nope. Probably ran off into the woods. The little stinker.”

Tauriel was fairly certain that was Legolas’s uncle but she couldn’t quite tell. She’d only seen him in passing and she surely hadn’t seen him like this. “Okaaay. Thanks.”

Tauriel found herself at the edge of the crowd surrounding the stage. Maybe Legolas’s fake uncle was right. Maybe he’d just gone off into the woods. Tauriel had always enjoyed the greenwood and her and Legolas had often explored it as kids. She’d been totally in awe of him then. Every tree he climbed was like an amazing feat to her. She always caught up with him but he managed to stay one step ahead. He could run faster, jump farther, stay more sane in that ridiculous boarding school than she ever could.

Tauriel was practically running by the time she entered the trees and she made straight for their old hideout. It was beneath the branches of an old weeping willow. It was like a human cocoon and it was very dear to Tauriel’s heart. She secretly wished he would be there. She could feel the nostalgia already. It was a magical place that just the two of them shared. 

She came to a sudden halt and hid behind a tree near the willow. She could see a figure standing with his back to her but another figure was pushing its way through the branches.

“I saw you run away,” a familiar voice mumbled. It was Lindir. 

Legolas turned at the sound of Lindir’s voice. “Eh, just wanted to get away. Not really into the whole Thranduil shabam. He goes too far. I don’t even know half of those people.”

Lindir chuckled in the darkness. Tauriel quietly crept closer until she could see their faces a little better. She couldn’t quite make out their expressions but she could at least read their body language better. Holding her breath, she realized that she was spying on Legolas. It was a weird thought and she almost left her hiding spot. But, something held her back.

“It’s just his way of showing you he cares,” Lindir said quietly. His voice was low and private and It made Tauriel’s skin crawl.

Legolas gave a nervous chuckle and asked, “Why did you come out here?”

Lindir was standing very near to Legolas at this point and Tauriel could feel a question begin to surface at the back of her consciousness. “I was worried, it’s never good when the birthday boy runs away from his own party.”

Legolas gave a short unsure laugh. “Yeah… well better head back now. The band is really at the top of their game tonight.”

“You mean Fili?” Lindir asked. 

“I guess,” Legolas replied. He had backed up a few steps from Lindir and they were slowly inching closer to Tauriel’s hiding place. 

“I’ve heard about your enthusiasm for the band…” Lindir said the words and they didn’t sound as nice as they were.

“What’s your obsession with me and Fili anyway?” Legolas snapped. “All you people think I’m fucking gay and it’s annoying.”

Tauriel nearly gasped in shock. She hadn’t expected him to react so strongly and she hadn’t even realized he had known about what Lindir was insinuating. She knew Legolas didn’t like her to mention that he was gay but she’d always thought it was kind of a funny annoying thing. A way to yank his leg every once in awhile. She hadn’t thought she was actually offending him. The way he reacted to Lindir made it clear that it did bother him though. Tauriel didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just come out of the closet. The evidence was overwhelming. Or at least she’d been told it was.

“Aren't’ you though?” Lindir asked.   
Then Lindir grabbed Legolas’s head in his strong hands and planted a sudden urgent kiss on the blondes unsuspecting lips. Legolas didn’t move and inch and Tauriel, for reasons she couldn’t guess, abandoned her hiding place. A strangled noise escaped her mouth and she heard more than felt herself say Legolas’s name. Then she was flying through the trees straight into the crowd of party goers. She didn’t stop there though. She elbowed and jostled her way back to the huge house and ran upstairs. She went into the first room she found, turned on the light, locked the door, and cried on the tile of the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Leave a kudos if you enjoyed! :)


	12. A Friendship Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas and Gimli connect over apple cider. Angst ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! This was about Bilbo and Thorin but writing about Legolas and Tauriel is so much fun! And Fili. Maybe I should do more Gandalf if you guys like that? That's always a good time.

Legolas felt like a child for running away from Tauriel the way he had. He’d almost taken her away to tell her. Something prevented him though. It wasn’t the right timing. She’d feel bad because it was his birthday or she’d think he wasn’t too far from his father’s dramaticisms. He should wait until it felt right and he just felt upset. 

It was the way she looked at Kili that he wanted her to look at him. She never would, especially if she thought he was gay for the rest of his life. Legolas had entered the treeline and for a moment he just leaned against a tree and watched the crowd. Everyone was having a great time. He was grateful to his father for at least knowing how to throw a good party even if he might have preferred just his close friends. 

The drink station was closest to him and it had an actual bartender. Legolas thought his name was Dwalin or something. He was a huge guy, totally tatted up and he was at a teenage party. An amused smile played on his lips as he handed out drinks. If legolas remember his father's snide comments correctly he was here to keep an eye on Arken and the Stones and make sure they didn’t get in trouble. His merdwarf presence didn’t bother Legolas though. He was one of many here tonight, after all.

Legolas caught sight of Arwen and Aragorn whispering and giggling with each other and he immediately went deeper into the forest. It made his heart ache for that same connection they shared and he couldn’t witness it a moment longer. His shoes crunched on the fallen tree debris as he went deeper into the darkness. Soon his eyes had adjusted and he found his bearing. He was close to the old weeping willow. He didn’t think too hard about why he wanted to be in such a familiar place and walked until he was beneath its leafy sagging branches.

He could almost see little Tauriel giggling and trying to climb up the thin branches. They would inevitably break before she got too far but she had always loved the thrill of falling. He’d gotten mad at her once after she’d landed wrong and twisted her ankle. She’d pouted at him until he was doing his best to make her laugh again. He would make funny faces and tell stupid jokes until her ankle and his anger were wisps of unimportance. Beneath this tree was hollow ground for the both of them and Legolas felt a tug in his gut when he realized he hadn’t been here in a year or maybe even two. He’d been too caught up with school and now his car mechanics job to bother coming all the way out here.

“I saw you run away,” a familiar voice mumbled. 

Legolas turned at the sound of Lindir’s voice in surprise. “Eh, just wanted to get away. Not really into the whole Thranduil shabam. He goes too far. I don’t even know half of those people.”

Lindir chuckled in the darkness and Legolas had the sudden urge to go back to the light of his father's lawns. “It’s just his way of showing you he cares,” Lindir said quietly. 

Legolas tried to laugh but it sounded more strained than he meant. “Why did you come out here?”

Lindir was standing very near to Legolas at this point Legolas definitely didn’t like the look in his eyes. It was wild but masked with indifference. Maybe he’d gotten high and was just being a weirdo. “I was worried, it’s never good when the birthday boy runs away from his own party.”

Legolas gave a short unsure laugh. “Yeah… well better head back now. The band is really at the top of their game tonight.”

“You mean Fili?” Lindir asked. 

“I guess,” Legolas replied. He narrowed his blue eyes and backed up a few steps from Lindir. He hadn’t noticed until he smelt the alcohol on him how close he was.

“I’ve heard about your enthusiasm for the band…” Lindir said the words and Legolas could tell he was only buzzed, if that. But he felt as if Lindir had sneered and spat the words at him and it made a sudden heat flourish in his core.

“What’s your obsession with me and Fili anyway?” Legolas snapped. “All you people think I’m fucking gay and it’s annoying.”

Lindir narrowed his eyes to match Legolas’s and Legolas worried he’d punch him for a moment until Lindir said, “Aren't’ you though?” 

Then Lindir grabbed Legolas’s head in his strong hands and planted a sudden urgent kiss on the blondes unsuspecting lips. Legolas didn’t move and inch. For a very short moment, at least. Then he heard a small animalistic noise very near to him and could have sworn Tauriel’s sweet voice had said his name. He pushed Lindir away with probably too much strength and the brunette staggered back into the willow branches.

“What…” Legolas wiped away Lindir’s scent from his lips. He felt like punching the guy in the stomach and he felt as if he might throw up a little bit, but he did none of those things. “I’m sorry, I’m not gay.”

“Says you and nobody else,” Lindir spat. 

Then he stalked off into the woods leaving Legolas alone and very creeped out. Legolas had been told he was gay so many times that when an actual man went for him he felt the need to apologise. It was getting really messed up. But was it even his problem? Legolas shook his head bitterly, he didn’t think so. Lindir was even his cousin, a verrrryyy distant cousin that he wasn’t sure was actually his cousin, but Legolas had always felt a cousinly love towards him. He never would have expected him to kiss him out of the blue like that.

Legolas made a guttural sound and slapped at the willow branches. They flew out of his way harmlessly and he immediately felt bad. Well, there was one more memory beneath the willow tree he wouldn’t soon forget.

Legolas walked slowly back to the concert area and when he arrived he thought about turning around and staying in the forest until every single person left. But he couldn’t, he was the birthday boy. Legolas walked over to the drink station where Arwen and Aragorn were being slightly less lovey dovey and gave them a nod.

“Thank you so much for letting us be here,” Fili called out to the crowd. His vest had completely disappeared and he was barechested and as gold as the sun. “We have one last song to play before the tracks take over and the true dance party begins.” There were some hoots and hollers from the crowd and Fili grinned a cheeky, but dazzling, grin. “It’s a song you all know well and I would appreciate if you would help me sing it.”

Ori struck up a two note trill on the piano and the band members smiled widely at the crowd. Legolas wondered what song it could be. He couldn’t remember any Arken and the Stones songs that stuck out enough for everyone to know and be able to sing along. As soon as he heard the first word from Fili’s mouth he covered his head with his hands. How could he have been so stupid.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Legolaaaass! Happy birthday to you!”

The whole crowd seemed overjoyed to be singing this song and Aragorn poked him in the side in amusement. Legolas could only smile and nod as he was serenaded and he wished it would be over quickly. The whole crowd cheered and clapped and Thranduil had somehow found his son and was clapping him on the back.

“Happy birthday Legolas,” Thranduil said. His cheeks were flushed with who knows how many glasses of wine. “I really am proud of you son. You’ve become quite the mechanic and your new car designs will surely attract a large company's interest. You’re on your way to being great.”

Then Thranduil drew him into his embrace and Legolas could feel his cheeks burn even worse as the people around them cheered and giggled. His father was taller than him and he felt totally encompassed by his robes. He gave Thranduil a tentative pat on the back and then Thranduil pushed him away by the shoulders to look at him clearly.

“Your mother would be proud too…” He said it just for Legolas’s ears. Legolas nodded and then Thranduil swept away all smiles and jokes.

The playlist that Thranduil and Tauriel had gleefully put together began and Arken and the Stones started packing up their gear. Legolas went over to the stage. “Anything I can help with?”

Fili nodded and said, “If you really want you can get a few people to get Ori’s piano in the truck. It’s a bitch to move.”

Legolas laughed and waved a hand over at Aragorn. He soon trotted over whilst winking and doing pistol fingers at a giggling Arwen. “What’s up?” Aragorn asked.

“Ori needs some help with his piano,” Legolas replied.

Aragorn nodded and the two of them helped wheel the piano down a ramp to a waiting green ford f150. “Easy there,” Ori said. 

Ori and Aragorn had one side and Gimli and Legolas had the other. “Why don’t you just get an electric piano?” Aragorn huffed. “It would be waaayy easier to haul around.”

“Ori likes the sound,” Gimli replied. “It gives us a better looks as a band too I think.”

“Yeah, Gimli here is in charge of our look,” Ori said in a quietly strained voice. “What do you think?”

Legolas smiled as they lifted the beast into the bed of the truck. “Honestly, you guys are a pretty sweet band.” And Legolas meant it. He didn’t care if everyone thought he was gay for Fili, they deserved compliments and he wasn’t about to become a piss baby.

“Thanks man!” Gimli said. He was far shorter than Legolas but when he clapped him on the back Legolas felt his breath leave him a bit from the strength of it. “You mind if we stick around? Socialize a bit?”

“You are all welcome to stay,” Legolas replied with a grin. “My father paid you guys right?”

“Yes lad,” Gimli replied. “He was far too generous but refused any less.”

Legolas rolled his eyes. “He’s really just full of himself sometimes.”

Everyone laughed in agreement and Gimli led the way to a table near the drink station where Legolas, Ori, Fili, and even Kili, who seemed slightly on edge, sat and talked about this and that. They were really getting along well. Legolas especially related to Gimli’s jokes and couldn’t help but laugh at all of them. Fili and Kili were very in sync with their conversational quips and little shy Ori seemed to come out of his shell a bit as they talked more.

A small girl with short brown hair and a shy smile on her face walked over to their group. “Hi,” She giggled and glanced back at her group of friends. All the boys sitting there couldn’t help but smile. “Ori, you were uh really good on the piano tonight.”

Ori smiled. “Thanks! What’s your name.”

The girl giggled and said, quietly, “Amelia…”

“Do you want to dance, Amelia?” Ori asked.

The small girl smiled and nodded and Ori gave the biggest smile before leading her off into the crowd. Legolas was honestly jealous of how easily he’d taken control of the situation. The table of boys clapped and cheered making Ori and Amelia blushed as they walked away. Slowly each boy was taken away by someone. Next was Aragorn by a sashaying Arwen, then Kili by a tall blonde that Legolas thought was a cousin on his dad's side, then Fili by a tall, slim, brunette who was wearing flannel and had a very neat ginger beard.

“Guess it’s just us,” Gimli said. He clinked glasses with Legolas and they drank to lessen the blow. It reminded Legolas of boarding school when you picked teams for kickball. Then he’d always been picked first but now everyone was confused about his sexuality. He scoffed into his cup of apple cider. 

“So how did Arken and the Stones come to be?” Legolas asked. He was asking more as a conversation started but Gimli seemed really happy to answer.

“Well, it all started the night after the battle of the five troops,” Gimli began. He didn’t get much further before a busty woman came and swept him away, leaving Legolas utterly alone.

“Have fun mate!” Legolas called after Gimli. He raised his cup to the chuckling Gimli.

“We should hangout some time!” Gimli shouted back to Legolas as his woman dragged him away.

Legolas wiped his hands over his face. Being nineteen wasn’t as much of a picnic as he hoped. He looked out at the crowd of dancers and caught site of Tauriel dancing with a group of her girl friends. She was smiling and dancing to the beat but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Was it really her in the woods? If she had seen Lindir kiss him Legolas couldn’t imagine how far back a leap that would have made in his race to not be viewed as gay by her. It couldn’t have been her though.

Legolas shook his head and took another swig of apple cider wishing someone would have spiked it. He wasn’t into blotting out pain with substances but right now he wouldn’t mind his nerves being calmed. He shook his head again and made a gruff noise. He glanced back at Tauriel just in time to see Kili shimmy up to her. Legolas couldn’t believe his visual luck. 

Kili smiled and it looked as if he were making some sort of joke. Tauriel laughed in response and threw her arms around the dark haired boys neck. All Legolas could do was glare as they swayed with the beat of the song. It wasn’t a fast rhythm but it was enough to get the blood pumping and your feet tapping.

Legolas stared at them for a while, just watching Tauriel’s face. She was smiling and giggling at his jokes but the corners of her smiles were tight and her ever graceful arms were not as relaxed as normal when she was dancing.

Suddenly, before his brain caught up to what his feet were doing, Legolas started walking towards Kili and Tauriel. It wasn’t difficult to get to them. People seemed to want to be as helpful to the birthday boy as they could so there was no jostling of elbows. In fact, by the time he got to Kili and Tauriel they had stopped dancing because they had seen him coming. Kili looked nervous as he held a timid hand around Tauriel’s waist and Tauriel looked both like she might cry out in joy or fall to the ground in tears at any moment.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Legolas said in his deep voice, “but may I dance with you?”

Kili laughed and gave Tauriel a squeeze. “I’ll see you later, Tauriel.” Then he took off into the crowd.

Tauriel gave a small smile and her eyes lingered after him. “Sure, Leggy.” Legolas didn’t react to Kili at all and honestly he could have cared less about the dude at that moment. He pulled Tauriel into his arms and she wrapped hers around his waist. “You okay?”

Legolas chuckled. “Yeah, I’m alright. You okay?”

Tauriel nodded and he felt her relax into him as they swayed to the slower rhythm of the song. It seemed as if neither one of them wanted to really participate in the music but rather wanted just the peace of swaying in the arms of a person they trusted.

“I’m okay,” Tauriel replied. She leaned her forehead on his chest. “Kili asked me on a date.” Legolas didn’t say anything. “He wants to go to the movies next saturday.”

The blonde sighed. “That’s good right?”

Tauriel didn’t say anything for a moment. Then she lifted her head to look at Legolas. “Yeah, I think so.”

Legolas nodded and brushed a strand of flame colored hair from her cheek. “I’m happy for you.”

Tauriel sighed and rested her cheek on his chest. They didn’t say anything after that. They just felt the warmth of each other and both of them tried to think of anything but the other. But they were making it difficult for themselves, being so close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it! Leave a kudos or if you're brave leave a comment about whatever catches your fancy!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be shy with suggestions. I'd love to here where you want things to meander.


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